Lazy Hazy

more animals

I am sitting next to my lazy black cat who is snoring away on the sofa--It's a hard hard life I suppose. Oh, wait--his highness decided to wake up for a moment and snuggle in closer--must be nice stealing other people's bodily warmth!

Last night, we had our bffs over to our house for dinner. Prior to dinner, W decided that all the animals needed a bath--and I do mean all of them. He somehow cornered the cat in the bathroom and managed to bathe the cat without getting scratched too bad or losing his man-parts! Vulcan (better known as butt-butts around here) was howling and hissing like he was fighting a major army in the enclosed shower. When W finally let him out, I dried him off and he left the bathroom with every intention of having nothing else to do with me for the rest of the day. And--he stuck to it. When our friends arrived, he sat next to them on the sofa and shot us an "eat shit" look for the rest of the night. He promptly forgot all about it last night when he got cold--still wet butt-butts needed the dreaded human's warmth!

The dogs were another story. They always fight us at first--but ultimately they go to the shower with a sense of learned helplessness--I can't get away even though I want to so I am not going to fight it anymore--spray me with water. The pitiful thing is that they both really hate water but they love each other. In order to soothe each other, they leaned on each other throughout the shower. This would have been a fine tactic except everytime W got one of them clean they would lean on the other (soapier) one and pass soap back and forth. It took him 20 minutes to get all the soap off both of them--pitiful bubbies!

Our whole house now smells like pert plus--W's favorite animal washing shampoo.

All in all, it was a good distraction from the 2WW. I'm trying to decide when to test b/c somehow Xmas day just doesn't seem like a good idea! Hopefully more distractions to come!

A little something to cheer me up

I have been desperately working on my grand rounds presentation for January, and I stumbled across these funny infertility cartoons while looking for psychiatry-appropriate cartoons! Enjoy!

A lot has changed

I haven't felt like posting here in a very long while. I've had some very bad, dark days since my last post on September 5th. It turns out that the slow-rising betas were a sign of ectopic pregnancy.

We went in for our first ultrasound on September 12th, and we were really hoping to see fish. Wow--I haven't thought of the word fish in several months. Anyway, they saw nothing on the ultrasound. It quickly went from being the best day of my life to the worst. Fast. The doctor wanted to wait a week hoping that we were just earlier than we thought.

On September 14th, I awoke to excrutiating pain and W rushed me to the ER. At the ER, an ultrasound was repeated and I was diagnosed with ectopic pregnancy. They gave me a shot of methotrexate and told me to follow-up with the RE.

On September 16th, we met with Dr. Blackwell again to discuss what happened. He assured us the only risk factor we have for ectopic pregnancy was the fertility treatments. However, my risk for ectopic is increased for subsequent pregnancies. He also told us it would be roughly 4 weeks before we could start ttc again.

It was a hell of a lot longer than four weeks. Week after week I'd go back for a beta check and it was not falling quickly enough. Finally, 10 weeks later, it was 7. 5 days later, it was less than five (considered negative).

I've been really angry, sad, envious, irritable, etc. It's absolutely amazing how many emotions you can have at once. It's also amazing the way that this has shaped who I now am and my life. It has shaped my religious beliefs in ways that I do not completely understand yet. I want to believe that God has good things in store for me, but I don't think that is true. I don't think he gives a F*** anymore. He certainly wasn't there for me during the miscarriage. He wasn't there during the horrible emotional pain afterwards. I can barely bring myself to pray anymore. The few times I have, it has not gone well. I want to have a child--but I don't think I will be able to thank God for that child. In order to thank Him, I will have to thank Him for my loss--and I am just not ready to do that yet.....if ever.

There have been some good things to happen. I feel much more empathetic toward others. I'm very aware of how wrong it could go, and I'm much more sensitive about the things I might say to people that could accidentally hurt them. I do think I will be a thoughtful pregnant lady, if I ever get that chance.

Some people want to be pregnant. They want to tell others that they are and be the center of attention. I just want a child. I want to have that child at home and love it and provide for it.

I just don't understand why this happened. Today is a sad day for me. I've been feeling less sad for 1-2 weeks now, but today has been rough. I've finally started back ttc, and I'm getting closer to the time when I'm supposed to ovulate. All of these feelings and the loss come rushing back to me--and it hurts so bad.

I just don't understand. I hope that, one day, it will work out for us. I want nothing more than to have a child of our own and make our marriage into a family.

Pregnancy sex is.....well, in two words, FREAKING AWESOME

Since our episode of spotting after sex last weekend, we've been a little hesitant to really go at each other. We've gotten over it. I just want to dedicate this post to pregnancy sex and how freaking awesome it is. I can feel every move W makes and I feel so much closer to him. Everything feels so much stronger and amazing! Man do I love my hubby (and his incredibly sexy body;) )!

Sea Otter

Well--Fish officially looks like a sea otter today. Fish has limb buds and is shaped a little more like a human. I'm getting really excited about meeting fish. We have our first ultrasound next Friday at 8am and we are hoping and praying to see a heartbeat!

I can't wait for W to be a daddy--he'll be such a good one. I know he'll love fish and play with him. He can be so tender sometimes and I know fish will love him for it.

I've been feeling so close to W lately. I'm not sure how he feels, though, b/c I secretly think this pregnancy has freaked him out. Some days I think I'm taking it better than him. He has all these worries about his job and finishing grad school and being healthy--all typical father-to-be concerns. I know he'll totally bond with fish when he sees fish.:)

I'm going to go spend some time with W. I love just being near him and loving on him. For some reason, he often thinks I'm not listening even when I am, but nothing I can say will change his mind. I'm chalking it all up to pregnancy nerves, though. He's definitely been on-edge lately.

We had a really good time last night.....after an argument that was probably long overdue. I wish we had more time to just spend together b/c he's so wonderful.

Last but not least my beta came back today at 1731. We're now in the good ultrasound range. I can't wait!

One of those days

It has been one of those days. Despite the fact that I slept well last night, I have been extremely exhausted. I mean lay down take a nap anywhere kind of exhausted. W has been thoughtful, but I don't think he likes it too much when I sleep so much. I think it must be all this pregnancy stuff, however, because I could immediately take a nap after waking up from a prior nap. Sleepy.

Oh--the nausea. The nausea. It's killer sometimes. It doesn't matter how much I eat, it's still there. Maybe I should just stop eating--except that got me to some bad indigestion the other day and gas pain--and man I'd rather not repeat that. So--eating it is. I was up 5 lbs today. No wonder my pants don't fit well anymore. That is unacceptable. 5 lbs and I'm only 5.5 weeks pregnant--No sir--I won't be that girl.

It's crackers and fruit for me from now on. No more junk. I mean it.

Now to take my nauseated self and go to bed.

One of my favorite skits

Let me say, first and most importantly, that I don't condone treating patients like this. Therapy is helpful and beneficial, when done correctly.

Secondly, let me say that this skit is freaking hilarious! It's one of my favorites of all time!

Something non-pregnancy related for once!:)

The gas pain

Wow! No one told me about gas pain. I mean....wow. Really. I had heard women get constipated but this is ridiculous! I've been super-extraordinarily constipated all day. What's worse--I've really needed to fart--and I just can't. I never knew it could hurt so bad. Now I understand why geri patients always fight the staff when the get constipated--they're just so darn uncomfortable.

Warren and I have nicknamed the baby "fish" from the widget that shows it's week 5 status--it's a little unsettling to look at!

I'm trying to convince W to talk to my tummy so that fish can get to know him and love him like I do. I know he doesn't get to carry it for nine months, but I think it's still sweet for fish to get to know his voice.

He's been very good about rubbing my tummy when it's upset--and it helps so much! He doesn't like when I rub it--because he says I do it too hard and I'm hurting fish.

Fish is making mommy tired. I'm off to bed. Maybe I can convince W to come with me!;)

It's been a rough week, but it's all better now!

It's been a tough week, emotionally. It all started off with the repeat beta on Monday morning. When I arrived at the RE's office, they had a student in the lab. She acted confused and called for the head lab person, who never came, so she drew my blood anyway. I didn't think anything of it, at the time. That afternoon, Priscilla called to tell me that my beta was only 67 and it was supposed to be 120. She did say they had problems with the lab and she wasn't sure what to do with the lab, but it was lower than normal. Needless to say, I cried my eyes out all night on Monday and then again on Tuesday morning.

On Tuesday, I went to therapy (hooray for that) and spent time praying, and I felt much more calm by Tuesday evening. It helped that the nausea returned and I just knew that baby was fine. Same for Wednesday--but I had a ton of nausea that night.

Fast forward to Thursday, or beta draw #3. I was super-anxious by the time I got to the office--b/c I had done enough internet research to know that slow-rising betas typically don't mean good things. I kept clinging to the fact that I wasn't cramping or spotting and I was having a TON of symtpoms--so I really believed baby was fine!

Well--the same student was in the lab....but this time she was much more careful and talked to herself throughout the blood draw--which I thought was weird. However, that afternoon the nurse called me to tell me that my levels were 272--or right where they should be! She said that she really thinks Monday's lab was a lab error, especially in light of the student and the more recent lab! Yeah! I am so excited. I can finally have a little peace about this pregnancy!

I pep-talk baby all the time. I never thought I'd be so excited about nausea, dry heaves, sore nipples, constipation/diarrhea, and frequent urination--but hey--I am.

I wonder when most women notice a difference in clothing..... I wore a pair of my fave blue jeans today, and I had to unbutton them by lunchtime b/c they were killing me! Now--I haven't gained any weight--maybe I am re-proportioning? Weird--I thought it was too early for that!

POAS addict

So, I've been POAS like an addict lately. Since it's the weekend, I couldnt' go in today to have my beta checked. It looks like my line is much much darker, though, so I'm hoping that's a really really good sign. I'll be POAS tomorrow morning again....:). The picture is very nice, huh?

Off to bed now as my tummy is horribly upset. Must sleep. I worked really really hard today, and I didn't get my nap. I will be sleeping late in the morning!:)

It's kicking in

So, for all the worrying I did about betas yesterday (and today really), I have been experiencing a lot of pregnancy symptoms. I have that constant queasiness, and my hips are KILLING me--especially when I went out to dinner and shopping with friends tonight.

No one ever told me how bad your hips will hurt--even at this stage in the game. I know it can't be weight because I've lost 13 lbs recently. I broke down and bought a pregnancy pillow. I know I'm only 4 weeks in and it is a little ridiculous, but my hips can't take it. Heck, I can't take the insomnia much longer.

I did end up telling my bff last night, and I told our other bff today (because she guessed and I didn't want to lie). It's really weird. Sometimes I feel really bloated and pregnant, but other times I'll get wrapped up with work and totally forget about it. I love it when I come to the realization--"Hey, I'm pregnant. Yeah!"

Another strange thing about pregnancy--bowel movements. How is it that you can be totally constipated for hours, then have an episode of diarrhea, then go right back to being constipated--I don't get it.

I'm so excited and full of plans for this child. I hope I'm not getting ahead of myself, but I really want to think it's going to happen for us this time. I know my hubby will be such a good daddy, and I can't wait to make him one. It makes me tear up just to think about it.

In the meantime, I will keep POAS to make sure it's getting darker and darker--and so far, so good.:)

First beta

So I dropped W off at work today and went immediately to the RE's office. It was 7:45 but I waited outside until they opened! Yes, I really did....and without an appointment too.

They were surprised to see me, but they decided to go ahead and check a beta. I anxiously awaited the results all day long. Priscilla (the RN at the RE's office) paged me at 1pm. When I called her back, she said "I just wanted to let you know it's real!"

She told me that we're still very early. I have to go in on Monday to make sure my betas are increasing like they should. Hoping and praying it does.....I want this child so bad.

We decided to go ahead and tell our parents. We thought it would be better to have support if (God forbid) we miscarry or have complications from the pregnancy. They were really excited and making big plans for the little one.

In other news, W and I have always had names picked out that we liked. Temporarily (or forever according to the hubby) we have decided on these:
Girl: Emma Leigh
Boy: Warren Thomas (named after the hubs of course).

Today has been an OK day. I have constant low-level nausea, but I feel fine if I nurse a bottle of Sprite all day long. I'm perfectly ok with all these pregnancy symptoms--I keep telling myself they mean good things for the pregnancy. Stick baby, stick--we want you to come home with us in 8 months.

Oh my goodness, I can't believe it!

So--I've been really down this month--I just knew it wasn't it. I was so wrong. Looking back, I was ignoring a lot of symptoms. When I woke up this weekend, I saw a ton of big blue veins on my breasts, but I kept saying to myself "They aren't real." I had a HUGE episode of nausea yesterday morning and generally just felt awful, but I told myself it was that leftover tuna sandwich I had for breakfast. I haven't been sleeping well. I've been having hip pain. My boobs feel weird. Why did I ignore all of this, you ask? Because I thought I had all this last month too and it ended up being a BFN. I was bound and determined to not get my hopes up.

But my DH knew. He just knew. He kept asking me when I was going to test, and I kept postponing it. For kicks and giggles this afternoon, I decided to go through with it. Here it is. I can't believe it. It's my first ever BFP. It's really light, and the camera has poor quality--but I promise you guys it's there.

Fingers crossed the baby sticks!

The dreaded 2WW

Well here I am....back in the dreaded 2WW. I've had a totally different mindset this time around. Although I do desperately want to have a child, I don't feel like it's going to happen this month. I had my hopes up so high last month and was devastated. Let's face it, there are women who have tried much harder and much longer than I ever have. It's possible it will take us just as long. And...did I really expect to hit it out of the ballpark on the first go around?

I think maybe the perfectionist in me did. So far, there have been very few things that I haven't been able to accomplish with some hard work and elbow grease. This just isn't going to be one of those things--and it drives me crazy.

I haven't given up all hope, but my hope doesn't hang on this month. I still have fantasies about being a mom. I still dream about having a little one at home that we can care for. I know it will change our lives--but in a good way.:)

In the meantime, I have been learning a lot about how much babies cost to have at home so that we can start preparing. I've looked into disability insurance in case I have to go on bedrest. I've researched the cost of injectables so that I can save money if we ever have to go that route. Man, I hope not though because they cost more than my mortgage!!!

I know for a fact that I O'd today. I had a lot of right sided cramping that led to a burning in my lower back. We've tried to catch the eggie...but who knows? I'm not going to test this month until AFTER I miss my period (if that happens). There is no reason to waste a perfectly good HPT.

More later. No obsessing this time around!!

I think I'm ready

I haven't told anyone (except 1-2 close friends) that W and I are trying to have a baby. I am mostly afraid of having to tell them about the infertility stuff and have to experience their pity. I also fear their criticism.

I made the mistake of telling one friend, and she came back with a "Well if God wanted you to have a family, you would....I just don't believe in all those meds. Life can't be about that. My husband and I will be just fine if we don't have a family." She was so hostile. I just replied back that, while I respected her position, I don't agree. Why would God allow people to have scientific skills and develop fertility treatments if they weren't meant to be used? But, I think I might be a little liberal where some things are concerned (at least that's what W tells me).

I am becoming more comfortable with the idea of telling people. W has been the most patient hubby ever. He has really wanted to tell his family several times, but I have stopped him. I didn't mean to squash his fun or excitement but those old concerns popped up. I think I'm ready for him to tell them. I'm ready for us both to be excited about it.

If my worst fears come true and it doesn't happen for us, at least we will have tried. At least we will have allowed ourselves to really open up and embrace the fantasy. Only then can we truly mourn it if that becomes necessary. It's so hard to have such a secret.

So--W--I'm ready for you to tell whoever you want. If you want to keep it secret, we'll do that. I'm putting it in your hands now. I'm really sorry it was ever in mine!:(

I will not.....

It's time to make a new resolution to myself. I will NOT look at baby related things until I am pregnant. This means no baby clothes, baby furniture, baby bedding, maternity clothes, etc. None of it. I have been looking and looking and it's making me want this even more. I'm going to take the saying from kindergarten and run with it...."just say no."

On the up side, I now know where I want to shop when I become pg. I also decided how I want to tell W I am pregnant when it happens. I'll have to keep it a little bit of a secret (for less than 24 hours), but it'll be worth the wait.....assuming I do become pregnant one day.

I really miss W. He's out of town right now at a conference. Usually, I really enjoy having the house to myself for a day or two. This time, I missed him the moment I came back home.

I'm turning into a sap. I think W would say this is good. We used to be so close, then we became more emotionally separate as I worked more hours at the hospital and he was started the PhD. It's really bothered me that we were so separate, but I wasn't sure what to do about it. Plus, W would become really upset about it and get sort of mean. I know now that it was his way of saying hey honey, I miss you and I miss talking to you.....but I'm a stubborn fool. I knew deep-down that was what he was saying to me, but the words he used were so hurtful that I became too fearful to open up.

Things have really turned around for us lately. I am much less concerned about our future, whereas I used to really wonder. I think that was part of my hesitancy to have children in the past. I wanted to know that we were both in it for keeps before I helped bring a child into the world. I just kept reminding myself that every marriage goes through hard times. It's how you handle the hard times that defines who you are as a couple, not the good times. Anyone can do good times.....but can they stay together and cling together throughout the bad?

I can't imagine having a child with anyone but W. I think, if it's not meant to be for us as a couple, then it's not meant to be for me. No donor stuff. I'm not really keen on adoption. I'd really be OK just spending the rest of my life with him. It doesn't mean I wouldn't be sad, and it doesn't mean I wouldn't be a little bitter(ok, angry and depressed)....but I think we'd make it.

If you're reading this, I just want you to know how much I love you and miss you. I'm really glad that you married me. I'm glad that we decided to work through all our problems. I'm really glad that I decided to listen to you about starting a family, even if there has been a lot of heartache along the way. I'm not glad that you're at the conference or that I'm out of town for work this weekend......but, hey......you can't win them all!

I wish you were next to me tonight.

Well....Here Goes Nothing

My first blog post....hmmm. I have had so much on my mind lately. W and I thought about having children 4-5 years ago, and I came off my bcp but it just never happened for us.....no matter how much we tried!;) Over time, work got harder, and I "forgot" about trying. We were still off bcp and not using protection, but we never ever got pregnant.....until my intern year.

During fourth year med school, I took time off at the end of the year to relax. During that time I worked out with a personal trainer daily, hung out with my pregnant cousin a lot, and started having regular periods again (for the first time in 3 years). Well--my intern year started and my period was late. I was so busy that I didn't notice it...at first. It did finally show, but it was much much much heavier than usual. So heavy that I couldn't sleep and was passing large clots. W finally convinced me to go to the doctor, and they told me I probably had an early miscarriage. I would be lying if I said I wasn't relieved to have miscarried. I tried to imagine having a newborn at home and taking in-hospital call every fourth night, but the prospect wasn't something I anticipated. I was also more sad than I imagined and spent some time mourning what could have been.

Since then, I became bitter.....really, really bitter. I told people I didn't want children. I said I didn't want to be a mom. All lies. Of course I wanted those things, but I was so afraid of wanting something that clearly was not going to happen for us. Then, this year, I couldn't take it anymore. I talked to W (who has always wanted children--I don't know why he stayed with me during the times I was saying I didn't--maybe he didn't believe me), and we agreed to go back to the doctor and actively try to conceive.

I've now lost 20-30 lbs. I'm eating healthier. I'm not drinking caffeine. The doctor diagnosed me with PCOS and hypothyroidism. I'm on daily meds that work great for me. Last month, I had my first ever medicated cycle. It didn't work out for us, but I did have some hope by the end of it (but not after crying and mourning). I formed two large mature follicles, ovulated, and had a period on my own (without meds). I'm trying to be positive, but I can't believe how much I want this.

I want to be a mom. I want to make W a father--I know he'd be a great one! I want to bring a child into this world who will be loved unconditionally by their mother and father. I want our child to have opportunities we never had. I want to be a mother and provide for my child's needs. I want W and I to expand our family. I know we have the love to give. I try to imagine everything that could go wrong, but I really think we'll be great at it. W and I are both so tender-hearted, I can't imagine not providing for the child's needs.

The concerns I do have are mostly selfish in nature. Will W and I have time for each other after having a child? I firmly believe that the key to succesful parenting is an intimate, loving marital relationship. I want to still have time to talk to W about my dreams, hopes for our future, plans. I want to know his thoughts and plans. I want to snuggle with him on the sofa. I want to be the support that he needs. And, perhaps most selfishly, I want to be intimate with him regularly.

I worry that having a child will mean that we won't have time for sexual intimacy. W and I have been married for 6 years (together sexually for 7), and.....we are really good at it! It is such a meaningful part of our relationship that I can't imagine it not being there......I don't want to imagine it. I still find him as attractive as I did the very first time. I still get flutters in my stomach whenever I think about being with him.

This is just the start to our journey. More later!