I think I'm ready

I haven't told anyone (except 1-2 close friends) that W and I are trying to have a baby. I am mostly afraid of having to tell them about the infertility stuff and have to experience their pity. I also fear their criticism.

I made the mistake of telling one friend, and she came back with a "Well if God wanted you to have a family, you would....I just don't believe in all those meds. Life can't be about that. My husband and I will be just fine if we don't have a family." She was so hostile. I just replied back that, while I respected her position, I don't agree. Why would God allow people to have scientific skills and develop fertility treatments if they weren't meant to be used? But, I think I might be a little liberal where some things are concerned (at least that's what W tells me).

I am becoming more comfortable with the idea of telling people. W has been the most patient hubby ever. He has really wanted to tell his family several times, but I have stopped him. I didn't mean to squash his fun or excitement but those old concerns popped up. I think I'm ready for him to tell them. I'm ready for us both to be excited about it.

If my worst fears come true and it doesn't happen for us, at least we will have tried. At least we will have allowed ourselves to really open up and embrace the fantasy. Only then can we truly mourn it if that becomes necessary. It's so hard to have such a secret.

So--W--I'm ready for you to tell whoever you want. If you want to keep it secret, we'll do that. I'm putting it in your hands now. I'm really sorry it was ever in mine!:(

I will not.....

It's time to make a new resolution to myself. I will NOT look at baby related things until I am pregnant. This means no baby clothes, baby furniture, baby bedding, maternity clothes, etc. None of it. I have been looking and looking and it's making me want this even more. I'm going to take the saying from kindergarten and run with it...."just say no."

On the up side, I now know where I want to shop when I become pg. I also decided how I want to tell W I am pregnant when it happens. I'll have to keep it a little bit of a secret (for less than 24 hours), but it'll be worth the wait.....assuming I do become pregnant one day.

I really miss W. He's out of town right now at a conference. Usually, I really enjoy having the house to myself for a day or two. This time, I missed him the moment I came back home.

I'm turning into a sap. I think W would say this is good. We used to be so close, then we became more emotionally separate as I worked more hours at the hospital and he was started the PhD. It's really bothered me that we were so separate, but I wasn't sure what to do about it. Plus, W would become really upset about it and get sort of mean. I know now that it was his way of saying hey honey, I miss you and I miss talking to you.....but I'm a stubborn fool. I knew deep-down that was what he was saying to me, but the words he used were so hurtful that I became too fearful to open up.

Things have really turned around for us lately. I am much less concerned about our future, whereas I used to really wonder. I think that was part of my hesitancy to have children in the past. I wanted to know that we were both in it for keeps before I helped bring a child into the world. I just kept reminding myself that every marriage goes through hard times. It's how you handle the hard times that defines who you are as a couple, not the good times. Anyone can do good times.....but can they stay together and cling together throughout the bad?

I can't imagine having a child with anyone but W. I think, if it's not meant to be for us as a couple, then it's not meant to be for me. No donor stuff. I'm not really keen on adoption. I'd really be OK just spending the rest of my life with him. It doesn't mean I wouldn't be sad, and it doesn't mean I wouldn't be a little bitter(ok, angry and depressed)....but I think we'd make it.

If you're reading this, I just want you to know how much I love you and miss you. I'm really glad that you married me. I'm glad that we decided to work through all our problems. I'm really glad that I decided to listen to you about starting a family, even if there has been a lot of heartache along the way. I'm not glad that you're at the conference or that I'm out of town for work this weekend......but, hey......you can't win them all!

I wish you were next to me tonight.

Well....Here Goes Nothing

My first blog post....hmmm. I have had so much on my mind lately. W and I thought about having children 4-5 years ago, and I came off my bcp but it just never happened for us.....no matter how much we tried!;) Over time, work got harder, and I "forgot" about trying. We were still off bcp and not using protection, but we never ever got pregnant.....until my intern year.

During fourth year med school, I took time off at the end of the year to relax. During that time I worked out with a personal trainer daily, hung out with my pregnant cousin a lot, and started having regular periods again (for the first time in 3 years). Well--my intern year started and my period was late. I was so busy that I didn't notice it...at first. It did finally show, but it was much much much heavier than usual. So heavy that I couldn't sleep and was passing large clots. W finally convinced me to go to the doctor, and they told me I probably had an early miscarriage. I would be lying if I said I wasn't relieved to have miscarried. I tried to imagine having a newborn at home and taking in-hospital call every fourth night, but the prospect wasn't something I anticipated. I was also more sad than I imagined and spent some time mourning what could have been.

Since then, I became bitter.....really, really bitter. I told people I didn't want children. I said I didn't want to be a mom. All lies. Of course I wanted those things, but I was so afraid of wanting something that clearly was not going to happen for us. Then, this year, I couldn't take it anymore. I talked to W (who has always wanted children--I don't know why he stayed with me during the times I was saying I didn't--maybe he didn't believe me), and we agreed to go back to the doctor and actively try to conceive.

I've now lost 20-30 lbs. I'm eating healthier. I'm not drinking caffeine. The doctor diagnosed me with PCOS and hypothyroidism. I'm on daily meds that work great for me. Last month, I had my first ever medicated cycle. It didn't work out for us, but I did have some hope by the end of it (but not after crying and mourning). I formed two large mature follicles, ovulated, and had a period on my own (without meds). I'm trying to be positive, but I can't believe how much I want this.

I want to be a mom. I want to make W a father--I know he'd be a great one! I want to bring a child into this world who will be loved unconditionally by their mother and father. I want our child to have opportunities we never had. I want to be a mother and provide for my child's needs. I want W and I to expand our family. I know we have the love to give. I try to imagine everything that could go wrong, but I really think we'll be great at it. W and I are both so tender-hearted, I can't imagine not providing for the child's needs.

The concerns I do have are mostly selfish in nature. Will W and I have time for each other after having a child? I firmly believe that the key to succesful parenting is an intimate, loving marital relationship. I want to still have time to talk to W about my dreams, hopes for our future, plans. I want to know his thoughts and plans. I want to snuggle with him on the sofa. I want to be the support that he needs. And, perhaps most selfishly, I want to be intimate with him regularly.

I worry that having a child will mean that we won't have time for sexual intimacy. W and I have been married for 6 years (together sexually for 7), and.....we are really good at it! It is such a meaningful part of our relationship that I can't imagine it not being there......I don't want to imagine it. I still find him as attractive as I did the very first time. I still get flutters in my stomach whenever I think about being with him.

This is just the start to our journey. More later!