Well....Here Goes Nothing

My first blog post....hmmm. I have had so much on my mind lately. W and I thought about having children 4-5 years ago, and I came off my bcp but it just never happened for us.....no matter how much we tried!;) Over time, work got harder, and I "forgot" about trying. We were still off bcp and not using protection, but we never ever got pregnant.....until my intern year.

During fourth year med school, I took time off at the end of the year to relax. During that time I worked out with a personal trainer daily, hung out with my pregnant cousin a lot, and started having regular periods again (for the first time in 3 years). Well--my intern year started and my period was late. I was so busy that I didn't notice it...at first. It did finally show, but it was much much much heavier than usual. So heavy that I couldn't sleep and was passing large clots. W finally convinced me to go to the doctor, and they told me I probably had an early miscarriage. I would be lying if I said I wasn't relieved to have miscarried. I tried to imagine having a newborn at home and taking in-hospital call every fourth night, but the prospect wasn't something I anticipated. I was also more sad than I imagined and spent some time mourning what could have been.

Since then, I became bitter.....really, really bitter. I told people I didn't want children. I said I didn't want to be a mom. All lies. Of course I wanted those things, but I was so afraid of wanting something that clearly was not going to happen for us. Then, this year, I couldn't take it anymore. I talked to W (who has always wanted children--I don't know why he stayed with me during the times I was saying I didn't--maybe he didn't believe me), and we agreed to go back to the doctor and actively try to conceive.

I've now lost 20-30 lbs. I'm eating healthier. I'm not drinking caffeine. The doctor diagnosed me with PCOS and hypothyroidism. I'm on daily meds that work great for me. Last month, I had my first ever medicated cycle. It didn't work out for us, but I did have some hope by the end of it (but not after crying and mourning). I formed two large mature follicles, ovulated, and had a period on my own (without meds). I'm trying to be positive, but I can't believe how much I want this.

I want to be a mom. I want to make W a father--I know he'd be a great one! I want to bring a child into this world who will be loved unconditionally by their mother and father. I want our child to have opportunities we never had. I want to be a mother and provide for my child's needs. I want W and I to expand our family. I know we have the love to give. I try to imagine everything that could go wrong, but I really think we'll be great at it. W and I are both so tender-hearted, I can't imagine not providing for the child's needs.

The concerns I do have are mostly selfish in nature. Will W and I have time for each other after having a child? I firmly believe that the key to succesful parenting is an intimate, loving marital relationship. I want to still have time to talk to W about my dreams, hopes for our future, plans. I want to know his thoughts and plans. I want to snuggle with him on the sofa. I want to be the support that he needs. And, perhaps most selfishly, I want to be intimate with him regularly.

I worry that having a child will mean that we won't have time for sexual intimacy. W and I have been married for 6 years (together sexually for 7), and.....we are really good at it! It is such a meaningful part of our relationship that I can't imagine it not being there......I don't want to imagine it. I still find him as attractive as I did the very first time. I still get flutters in my stomach whenever I think about being with him.

This is just the start to our journey. More later!