Life is about more than fertility

Right? I think so. And...since it's my blog I am going to use it to complain a little bit. I turned in my notice at my job a few weeks ago. They had offered me a promotion, but I realized that I just wasn't happy there. I decided that I wanted more freedom and that I wanted to be my own boss. I am so happy with my decision. It is validated every day. I want a job where I can work when I want or not work when I don't want. I want a job where I can take every Friday afternoon off to stay home with a child (when that happens for us).

The problem with all of this is that I led my current (and soon to be old) job to believe that I wanted to stay. It's not like I misled them, though, because I really did want to stay there. There were several turns of fate that led to my new decision--and a lot of it had to do with our loss and fertility. Some of it did have to do with my current unhappiness at work.

The place I work is routed in academia. As such, it is one big (un)happy dysfunctional family. I thought I fit in there. I thought it was my home. I realized that it's not.

Anyway, I'm rambling. The problem is that I have seen people leave before. I have watched the way that they criticize and backstab. I have watched, and I haven't liked it. I *knew* that was going to happen to me. I just knew it. It turns out that you aren't really prepared for it, no matter how much you *know* something.

My boss, who just a few weeks ago told me I was the best, most hardest (ha), most smartest worker ever......well, he's clearly changed opinions of me. It turns out that he now thinks I am lazy (along with everyone else apparently) and don't complete my assignments. He has threatened me twice in three days.

I am the current epitome of learned helplessness. They did this experiment with rats where they put them in a cage where they couldn't get away and they shocked them. Initially, the rats tried to run away from the shock. However, after realizing that they couldn't get out, they just sat there and took it. Then, the experimenters removed the cage (so that the rat could get away) and continued to shock the rats. Guess what happened? Yep. Learned helplessness. The rats didn't even try to get away. They just sat there and took it. I feel like that's where I am right now. The only difference? When my cage is removed, I am OUT OF THERE. I am not sitting there to continue to be shocked. Thank God for all of the horrible things that happened this year that have allowed me to re-evaluate my life.

If I could just leave now, I would. I can't though. I have two months to finish. I have worked so hard for this. I hate that this happened. I hate the way he's treating me. I hate that he has power over me, and that I am forced to sit there and take it. I hate all of it. I look so forward to June 30 when I can walk out of those doors forever. I don't know that I will ever look back.

Do you ever feel like this is punishment?

For what, I am not quite sure. It definitely definitely feels like punishment though. I can't quite explain it to people who haven't been through it, and I don't know why.

Of course, the logical side of me says that it's not punishment. It's just this bad thing that happens to some people. It doesn't mean I am a bad person or have done something bad to deserve this. It doesn't mean that people who do get pregnant are being rewarded for all the good things they have done. It doesn't really matter though, because my emotional side FAR FAR outweighs the logical side sometimes.

I was raised Southern Baptist. You know how people say that Catholic people have guilt? Southern Baptists do too. The really sad thing is that the infertility and our loss have made me question everything--including religion. I hate that but I also strangely welcome it. I have a hard time believing in a God that allows these things to happen.....that gives children to women who abuse and neglect them. My husband says I should base my religious beliefs on facts, not experiences. I agree with him....to a point.

How do you remove experiences and emotion from religion? A lot of what makes a person (and a religion frankly) is experiences and emotion. Why else would church attendance be at it's highest during times of depression and recession? Of course it's because people are looking for hope, and they think they'll find it at church. Unfortunately for me, I'm not really finding it anywhere anymore.

I am left with a set of weird beliefs. One is that a God that does this or allows this to happen to women who are infertile sucks--I'm not entirely sure that is a God that I want to worship. So maybe this isn't God? Maybe this is just random and shit happens? Maybe God is removed from us and just watches from the sidelines? I don't think I want to worship that God either. If He is there, He has seen how much we have hurt this year. He knows the hurt that is facing us later this month when the due date hits us. He knows the long road ahead......and what does He do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. He doesn't comfort. He doesn't provide places for hope. No, instead, he puts pregnant people everywhere around me who complain about being pregnant so that I am keenly aware that they are not aware of the blessing that they have. He puts a surgery ahead of us. He does....nothing. Why would I want to worship a God who does nothing when his followers are hurting? It seems to me that if you truly have mercy and compassion for others, then you will do whatever you can to ease their burden. It seems to me that he does not do that.

Which leads me to my final question. If all of that is true, then what? Either he's not there at all and life is random or God is a sadistic bastard (to quote my husband). I am not sure which one I believe. I struggle because I don't believe in a literal interpretation of the Bible. I never have....not even when I was a child. It just didn't make sense to me. It still doesn't actually.

This is a topic we've been working on. We were both brought up in extremely religious homes. We both went to church several times a week. I even went on a 2 month long mission trip in college and pretty much devoted my college to God. I think maybe I regret that now. I wish I had used that time to figure out what I really believed rather than blindly following the herd.

Of course I can never tell my family any of this. We are dutiful children on major religious holidays. We haven't been to church in over a year.....nor are we necessarily motivated to do so.

Now I'm back at my original question. The guilt. I feel bad for even thinking this way. I feel like infertility is punishment for my lack of faith. I feel like I don't even deserve to be a mommy or to make my husband a daddy because we don't believe in God. I hate that I feel this way because I don't even believe those things, logically.

Where do they get off passing all this guilt on to unsuspecting children that will then follow them around their whole life? It's punishment either way I tell you.

Life Sucks Right Now

I need to vent because I am so freaking bummed out right now! The doctor scheduled surgery for May 8th, but we had time for one more cycle before then. I was just keeping my fingers crossed that my left ovary would cooperate and ovulate. I kept hoping that maybe, just maybe, we'd get pregnant so that I wouldn't have to do surgery.

I went in for my CD12 ultrasound this morning. It turns out that I have two follicles, both on the right. The doctor is so pessimistic about this cycle that they aren't even going to do an IUI because they think it's a waste of $400 since that right tube is blocked. It's a sad day when not even your doctor is on your side.

The only good thing they said to me? "It doesn't look good for this month, but ultimately it's not going to happen in our time. It'll happen in His time."

I'm just bummed out! Why can't this go right? I feel like a big old fool for even holding out hope.

Wow. Just.....Wow.

My husband woke up from his nap shortly after my last post, but I wasn't aware of it. He called me upstairs to snug. I was so excited, like a kid in a candy shop. I love being near him. I ran upstairs and climbed into bed with him. The feeling of his arms around me is so amazing, soothing, and comforting. I don't think I can even begin to tell him how much I love him.

I was enjoying being held and talked to when he started to whisper sweet-nothings to me. I'm sighing just thinking about him.

Needless to say, my needs were met......multiple times. ;) I'm such a lucky woman.

So frustrated

I am so frustrated. These medications for ovulation make me feel really emotionally (and sexually unfortunately) needy. That would be fine if our lives were different.....but they're not! It just doesn't seem conducive to a healthy marriage to have one partner become a freak for a few weeks a month.

My poor DH is working a ton lately, and he is exhausted. I think he is just not in the mood to deal with me, on either front really. This just leaves me feeling, well....frustrated.

So far, I've had a nap, surfed the internet, washed clothes, planned an outfit for him for a work presentation that he has tomorrow, watched TV, made dinner. It's only 8:30!!! He's upstairs taking a nap b/c he has been working long hours. I tried to wake him from his nap by snugging, but he was having none of it.

Now I'm back downstairs by myself watching the end of the Green Mile and bored to tears. I just need someone to hold me. :( Stupid medicine.

I am so bad...

and I love it! I'm going to make a confession here. Note that I will deny this confession to my dying day. I will deny it to the doctor. Deny, deny, deny, deny.

A few months ago, my old RE's office accidentally called in 150IU of follistim instead of 75 IU. I haven't used this vial and it's just been sitting here.

Flash forward to this weekend when I accidentally forgot to take femara. What was I thinking you ask? I have no freaking clue! I woke up and took it the next morning, and I ended up with a double dose on day #7 (but no meds on day #6, oops).

So guess what I did today? I pulled out that 150 IU vial, and I just injected myself with it. I was supposed to do 75 IU today, but I figured what the hell? I need my left ovary to work, and I REALLY want to get pregnant this month for all the reasons mentioned below.....the least of which is to avoid surgery!

I'm hoping I don't regret it later this week when I go in for my ultrasound check! Please please please work dang it!

Ok, confession over. I'll confess my other sins later! ;)

Lunch with a Fellow Infertiler!

I had lunch today with a girl that I went to high school with who is also infertile. She has been doing treatments for 1.5 years, but they have only done 4 cycles because her doctor has made her take so many months off. I am heartbroken for her.

I feel so fortunate in light of her situation, and that makes me feel pretty bad for all of my sadness. We have, after all, been able to get pregnant once and we have had many more cycles (because of a more aggressive RE). I have to assume that we will one day get pregnant again, right? The key is that I want it to be a sticky one this time around!!!

I guess this is my lesson to just be thankful for what you have!