Out of Town Work Weekends--Good for the soul?

I'm pretty sure the answer is no. I thought I was doing so well lately with anxiety and worry over the timing of pregnancy, but when I am left to my own devices I start to worry again. I tried desperately to schedule a massage, mani/pedi, facial, etc....ANYTHING to take my mind off of the stress of work, missing my hubby, and wanting to make us a family. It turns out every single spa in the city was booked. Literally every one. I know because I called every single one of them.

I can't wait to get back home to some normalcy and not live out of this hotel room any longer (no matter how nice it may be). I miss my DH. I really really miss him. I want to try to guilt him into coming to see me, but I don't think that's right. I know he has a lot of work to do on his PhD, but I miss him. I took an extra day of work this weekend b/c the other doctor's father died and he needed someone to cover another day. It turns out that it's been a rather rough few days at work.

I can't wait to see DH tomorrow. There's a part of me that really wants him to drive up here on the weekends and surprise me in some grand romantic gesture. Then there is the other part of me that knows that I am busy at work and that it wouldn't be fulfilling for either of us if that happened.

I need to stay home. Man I wish I could quit all of these weekend jobs. I swear I would be a calmer, happier person. Of course, then I would probably have to take up a hobby.

What makes a man

I was reading another blog today when I came across this post with the query: "What makes a man?" It is an interesting question to me. I think people would give different answers, and I know I will give you a different answer today than I would have 3 years ago, 6 years ago, etc.

I think of the men in my life who I think are men. My father, of course. But, perhaps surprisingly and even more so than my father, my husband. I say surprisingly because I think it would surprise him to know that I think of him as more than a man than my own father.

My husband has always been there for me. He is faithful and kind. He is loving. He is a teeny-tiny bit of a nerd (ok, that's not really true--he's a really big nerd but I love him for it). He is good to me and our four animals. He is good to other people who are hurting. He knows how to calm me and support me. He also knows how to make me more angry than any other person on this earth, but he doesn't do it intentionally so I don't hold it against him (for too long).

You know what makes him even more of a man to me? The way he has supported me throughout this process. The way he tells me that it doesn't matter if we aren't able to have kids because then we'll have more time together. The way he tells me that it's better to be in our situation and be trying to have a child in a happy marriage. The little ways that he lets me know it's not about having a child--it's about us. I know that, deep down in my heart, but I forget it sometimes through this God-forsaken process of trying to conceive with a fertility specialist. I say God-forsaken because it feels that way some days.

And my husband knows that. He knows how I question God and can't find answers. He may not understand my method of questioning, but he is nonetheless supportive.

He is a man because he isn't afraid to cook for me, show up at my big presentations at work, cry during a sad movie with me (Bucket List anyone?). He's a man because snugging (that word is trademarked just for us;) ) on the sofa comforts both of us. I love how he rests his cheek on my head, sniffs in my hair, lightly kisses the top of my head, and pulls me in closer with his arms wrapped around my chest. It's so intimate, but not in a way that many would imagine to be intimate.

It's times like these that I realize and remember that this process is about us. I created this blog as a way to talk about us and our life, but I'm afraid that's it's been completely over-run by this awful process and the bad things that have happened this year.

We've made a pact in real-life to get back to us. To spend more time snugging on the sofa. To snug in bed before going to sleep. To spend time talking and holding each other. We've done just that, and I love it. I think it's time to re-center my blog as well. Hopefully if I can recenter the blog on us, it won't hurt so bad to think about coming here to write about life. Because life isn't just trying to conceive, no matter that it does feel that way sometimes.

This feels more uplifting. Actually, life feels a lot more uplifting lately. It's going to be okay--whatever the outcome. It's going to work out--because we'll make it work--because we, us--that's what is important.

I'm really sad today

I thought I was handling this month well with regards to infertility, but I am definitely not. I have cried my eyes out today.

It all started out this morning. I had a voicemail on my cellphone from an old friend who had a miscarriage last year and knew about our loss, so she was calling to check on me. She said I'd really been "on her heart" lately. She left numbers, but I haven't called her back. I just don't feel like talking right now.

Then I went to my twice-weekly therapy appointment. My therapist has been trying to get me to talk about my feelings about infertility for a few weeks now, but it's been hard for me to open up. I tend to lock my feelings away somewhere and not go back to look at them. Truthfully, it just hurts too bad to look at them.

So, we were talking about my feelings, and he thought that I needed a little self-disclosure on his part for me to be able to talk about this. He and his wife tried for >1 year to have their second child, and they experienced all the familiar feelings and fears that I have. That started the river--I just started crying, well sobbing, and it continued for the whole hour. I can't believe the things that I said. Sometimes it is surprising to me the things that I think.

I told him that the process is more hurtful than I ever imagined it would be. I feel exhausted and overwhelmed. I feel "over it"--mostly because I just don't know how much more hurt I can take. I wonder when we need to seriously look at adoption, but then there is another part of me that doesn't think I'm ready to go that route yet.....not yet. Ultimately, I told him that I don't see a happy outcome.

Where's my happy? Not when I get pregnant because then I'll just worry about if it's a normal pregnancy. Certainly not now. When the baby gets here? If a baby ever gets here? I don't know--I've never experienced that. Truthfully, maybe I never will.

I talked to my DH this afternoon. He thinks my mood swings are a good predictor that I'm pregnant. I think I'm just sad and PMSing. I took a test this afternoon. Negative. I knew it would be--don't know what I was thinking wasting money on the test.

I've certainly had a good cry today. Literally all day. I have cried out to God. How much more pain are we supposed to endure? When is it enough? When will He say that it's more than you can handle? I feel really darn close right now. I don't feel Him. I don't feel his presence. I don't understand why I would have this desire if He's not going to follow-up on it. Did he put me on my friend's heart in order that she could provide comfort to me? I don't want to talk to her.....I think maybe I don't want to be comforted.

Man I hate making mistakes

I should be banned from the computer--seriously. My work email has recently been changed, and it confuses me. Two days ago, I received a group email from one person asking for assistance. I responded to everyone accidentally (meant it to just go to the sender--but you know). Then, everyone got "worked up" and excited over the possibility of something I said--it was just a possibility people. It's not real....yet. People just get so excited.

So, here everyone is jumping to conclusions and emails are apparently flying around like mad.....but guess what? The new work email? It blocks ALL of them and sends them to my spam filter. I don't even see them. I can't even address all this excitement and tell everyone to calm down. It wasn't until someone finally cc'd me late today that I realized what happened.

I wish I'd never said anything. I have no clue what made me respond. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, Stupid. Stay away from group emails!

That time of the month...Again

This is Vulcan every single morning. Stupid cat. He has an automatic feeder--what more does he want?

Well, I didn't get pregnant last month. I also didn't post because the holidays really really sucked for me. It was hard to face the family and not be pregnant. I wanted so bad to be pregnant and to know that next Christmas we will have a baby at home with us. I didn't have that knowledge. Instead of it being one of the best Christmases to date, it has the distinction of being the worst (by far). But....it's over now. I survived. I didn't die from grief like I thought I would. I'm thinking that makes me a stronger person now--well, I'm hoping that it makes me a stronger person anyway.

I'm not focusing on the 2WW this month, although I am totally back in it. I refuse to enter my FPS (fake pregnancy symptoms) into Fertility Friend this month. Not going to do it. Instead, I have a Grand Rounds presentation due January 27th, and I am FREAKING OUT over it. I'm the first of my classmates to do it, and I don't want to bomb. The idea of speaking for an hour about a topic I am somewhat knowledgeable about to a whole bunch of people who are more knowledgeable than me makes me want to puke. I hope I don't do that in front of everyone! It might be funny, if it doesn't happen to me!;)

Funny thing is that AF is due 3 days before my GR presentation. I can't decide if I want to be pregnant this month b/c of all the stress. Then I tell myself--you're crazy--of course you want to be pregnant. I do, but I'm scared. Really scared. That crazy kind of scared where you can't imagine anything good ever happening to you again. Truthfully, I don't know how much more bad I can take.

I have started praying nightly. I even started praying for myself.....which is something I could not bring myself to do after the ectopic. I keep telling myself that God would not give me the desire to be a mom if he didn't plan on following through, right? I mean, after all, I went YEARS not wanting to be a mom. I didn't want kids. I liked my life. Then, all of a sudden out of nowhere, I was blindsided by the desire to be a mom and have kids and mess up my life with all the uncertainties that children can bring. I certainly can't imagine that I placed that desire within myself. I really do think it came from God, and so does W.