Life is about more than fertility

Right? I think so. And...since it's my blog I am going to use it to complain a little bit. I turned in my notice at my job a few weeks ago. They had offered me a promotion, but I realized that I just wasn't happy there. I decided that I wanted more freedom and that I wanted to be my own boss. I am so happy with my decision. It is validated every day. I want a job where I can work when I want or not work when I don't want. I want a job where I can take every Friday afternoon off to stay home with a child (when that happens for us).

The problem with all of this is that I led my current (and soon to be old) job to believe that I wanted to stay. It's not like I misled them, though, because I really did want to stay there. There were several turns of fate that led to my new decision--and a lot of it had to do with our loss and fertility. Some of it did have to do with my current unhappiness at work.

The place I work is routed in academia. As such, it is one big (un)happy dysfunctional family. I thought I fit in there. I thought it was my home. I realized that it's not.

Anyway, I'm rambling. The problem is that I have seen people leave before. I have watched the way that they criticize and backstab. I have watched, and I haven't liked it. I *knew* that was going to happen to me. I just knew it. It turns out that you aren't really prepared for it, no matter how much you *know* something.

My boss, who just a few weeks ago told me I was the best, most hardest (ha), most smartest worker ever......well, he's clearly changed opinions of me. It turns out that he now thinks I am lazy (along with everyone else apparently) and don't complete my assignments. He has threatened me twice in three days.

I am the current epitome of learned helplessness. They did this experiment with rats where they put them in a cage where they couldn't get away and they shocked them. Initially, the rats tried to run away from the shock. However, after realizing that they couldn't get out, they just sat there and took it. Then, the experimenters removed the cage (so that the rat could get away) and continued to shock the rats. Guess what happened? Yep. Learned helplessness. The rats didn't even try to get away. They just sat there and took it. I feel like that's where I am right now. The only difference? When my cage is removed, I am OUT OF THERE. I am not sitting there to continue to be shocked. Thank God for all of the horrible things that happened this year that have allowed me to re-evaluate my life.

If I could just leave now, I would. I can't though. I have two months to finish. I have worked so hard for this. I hate that this happened. I hate the way he's treating me. I hate that he has power over me, and that I am forced to sit there and take it. I hate all of it. I look so forward to June 30 when I can walk out of those doors forever. I don't know that I will ever look back.

Do you ever feel like this is punishment?

For what, I am not quite sure. It definitely definitely feels like punishment though. I can't quite explain it to people who haven't been through it, and I don't know why.

Of course, the logical side of me says that it's not punishment. It's just this bad thing that happens to some people. It doesn't mean I am a bad person or have done something bad to deserve this. It doesn't mean that people who do get pregnant are being rewarded for all the good things they have done. It doesn't really matter though, because my emotional side FAR FAR outweighs the logical side sometimes.

I was raised Southern Baptist. You know how people say that Catholic people have guilt? Southern Baptists do too. The really sad thing is that the infertility and our loss have made me question everything--including religion. I hate that but I also strangely welcome it. I have a hard time believing in a God that allows these things to happen.....that gives children to women who abuse and neglect them. My husband says I should base my religious beliefs on facts, not experiences. I agree with him....to a point.

How do you remove experiences and emotion from religion? A lot of what makes a person (and a religion frankly) is experiences and emotion. Why else would church attendance be at it's highest during times of depression and recession? Of course it's because people are looking for hope, and they think they'll find it at church. Unfortunately for me, I'm not really finding it anywhere anymore.

I am left with a set of weird beliefs. One is that a God that does this or allows this to happen to women who are infertile sucks--I'm not entirely sure that is a God that I want to worship. So maybe this isn't God? Maybe this is just random and shit happens? Maybe God is removed from us and just watches from the sidelines? I don't think I want to worship that God either. If He is there, He has seen how much we have hurt this year. He knows the hurt that is facing us later this month when the due date hits us. He knows the long road ahead......and what does He do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. He doesn't comfort. He doesn't provide places for hope. No, instead, he puts pregnant people everywhere around me who complain about being pregnant so that I am keenly aware that they are not aware of the blessing that they have. He puts a surgery ahead of us. He does....nothing. Why would I want to worship a God who does nothing when his followers are hurting? It seems to me that if you truly have mercy and compassion for others, then you will do whatever you can to ease their burden. It seems to me that he does not do that.

Which leads me to my final question. If all of that is true, then what? Either he's not there at all and life is random or God is a sadistic bastard (to quote my husband). I am not sure which one I believe. I struggle because I don't believe in a literal interpretation of the Bible. I never have....not even when I was a child. It just didn't make sense to me. It still doesn't actually.

This is a topic we've been working on. We were both brought up in extremely religious homes. We both went to church several times a week. I even went on a 2 month long mission trip in college and pretty much devoted my college to God. I think maybe I regret that now. I wish I had used that time to figure out what I really believed rather than blindly following the herd.

Of course I can never tell my family any of this. We are dutiful children on major religious holidays. We haven't been to church in over a year.....nor are we necessarily motivated to do so.

Now I'm back at my original question. The guilt. I feel bad for even thinking this way. I feel like infertility is punishment for my lack of faith. I feel like I don't even deserve to be a mommy or to make my husband a daddy because we don't believe in God. I hate that I feel this way because I don't even believe those things, logically.

Where do they get off passing all this guilt on to unsuspecting children that will then follow them around their whole life? It's punishment either way I tell you.

Life Sucks Right Now

I need to vent because I am so freaking bummed out right now! The doctor scheduled surgery for May 8th, but we had time for one more cycle before then. I was just keeping my fingers crossed that my left ovary would cooperate and ovulate. I kept hoping that maybe, just maybe, we'd get pregnant so that I wouldn't have to do surgery.

I went in for my CD12 ultrasound this morning. It turns out that I have two follicles, both on the right. The doctor is so pessimistic about this cycle that they aren't even going to do an IUI because they think it's a waste of $400 since that right tube is blocked. It's a sad day when not even your doctor is on your side.

The only good thing they said to me? "It doesn't look good for this month, but ultimately it's not going to happen in our time. It'll happen in His time."

I'm just bummed out! Why can't this go right? I feel like a big old fool for even holding out hope.

Wow. Just.....Wow.

My husband woke up from his nap shortly after my last post, but I wasn't aware of it. He called me upstairs to snug. I was so excited, like a kid in a candy shop. I love being near him. I ran upstairs and climbed into bed with him. The feeling of his arms around me is so amazing, soothing, and comforting. I don't think I can even begin to tell him how much I love him.

I was enjoying being held and talked to when he started to whisper sweet-nothings to me. I'm sighing just thinking about him.

Needless to say, my needs were met......multiple times. ;) I'm such a lucky woman.

So frustrated

I am so frustrated. These medications for ovulation make me feel really emotionally (and sexually unfortunately) needy. That would be fine if our lives were different.....but they're not! It just doesn't seem conducive to a healthy marriage to have one partner become a freak for a few weeks a month.

My poor DH is working a ton lately, and he is exhausted. I think he is just not in the mood to deal with me, on either front really. This just leaves me feeling, well....frustrated.

So far, I've had a nap, surfed the internet, washed clothes, planned an outfit for him for a work presentation that he has tomorrow, watched TV, made dinner. It's only 8:30!!! He's upstairs taking a nap b/c he has been working long hours. I tried to wake him from his nap by snugging, but he was having none of it.

Now I'm back downstairs by myself watching the end of the Green Mile and bored to tears. I just need someone to hold me. :( Stupid medicine.

I am so bad...

and I love it! I'm going to make a confession here. Note that I will deny this confession to my dying day. I will deny it to the doctor. Deny, deny, deny, deny.

A few months ago, my old RE's office accidentally called in 150IU of follistim instead of 75 IU. I haven't used this vial and it's just been sitting here.

Flash forward to this weekend when I accidentally forgot to take femara. What was I thinking you ask? I have no freaking clue! I woke up and took it the next morning, and I ended up with a double dose on day #7 (but no meds on day #6, oops).

So guess what I did today? I pulled out that 150 IU vial, and I just injected myself with it. I was supposed to do 75 IU today, but I figured what the hell? I need my left ovary to work, and I REALLY want to get pregnant this month for all the reasons mentioned below.....the least of which is to avoid surgery!

I'm hoping I don't regret it later this week when I go in for my ultrasound check! Please please please work dang it!

Ok, confession over. I'll confess my other sins later! ;)

Lunch with a Fellow Infertiler!

I had lunch today with a girl that I went to high school with who is also infertile. She has been doing treatments for 1.5 years, but they have only done 4 cycles because her doctor has made her take so many months off. I am heartbroken for her.

I feel so fortunate in light of her situation, and that makes me feel pretty bad for all of my sadness. We have, after all, been able to get pregnant once and we have had many more cycles (because of a more aggressive RE). I have to assume that we will one day get pregnant again, right? The key is that I want it to be a sticky one this time around!!!

I guess this is my lesson to just be thankful for what you have!

Hopeful but Sad

I don't know if I told you guys, but I actually bought one of those psychic readings a while back. Actually, I bought two. One gave me a January date. The other one gave me a December 2008-April 2009 timeframe, but she was leaning toward early April. These two only match up this month. This one month. Unfortunately, I am really hopeful this month.

I have to admit that I was really hopeful in January too, but then the world came crashing down around me....and that really sucked. The crazy thing is that I don't even believe in psychics. I hate hate hate that I ordered it. I feel like I have wronged God in some way, but I don't understand that completely either.

I ordered them at a time in my life when I was really sad about our prior loss. I was looking for hope, but I wasn't finding it anywhere. I prayed and looked for hope from God, but I wasn't finding answers there. I'm still not really finding answers from Him, but I want to. So I turned to something else. I feel like I almost turned to the dark-side.

The crazier part of it all? The description that they gave me matched perfectly.....even though they were given from two totally different people. I feel as if I am setting myself up for failure. I kept begging God to make me pregnant at another time so that these predictions won't be right. What does it mean if they are right? That he is wrong? That there is something out there? Or maybe that he allowed me to find hope from them at a time when I really needed it?

I would love to get pregnant this month for several reasons. One of which is that I am tired of ttc, emotionally drained and tired. Another is that my RE wants to do surgery in May. I have time for one last cycle before this surgery hits us. I want want want to avoid surgery so bad. Of course I will do the surgery if I have to. Another reason is that I can't imagine another holiday season not pregnant dealing with my cousin, fertile myrtle who just won't shut up about it. Last Christmas almost killed me. I spent the entire season in tears. I don't want to do that again, but I don't want to avoid my family for the whole season either (which I really may do if we are not pregnant by then).

Time will Tell.

For funsies, here are the two separate "readings." I'd love to know what you all in bloggerdom think!

Reading #1
Im seeing a conceive/find out between Dec of 2008 and April 2009. I'm leaning towards later winter/early April, but the spirits are still showing a possibility of the months before that as well till Dec 2008.
I'm seeing a boy with the pregnancy.
1st thing im seeing with your son is that it feels like he loves being caught up in a million things at once. Like everything will always have his attention. He never seems to stay on one specific thing for long and if he does it will have to be something that provides alot of fireworks to him. Say when hes a baby he would have to a have a toy that is alot of colors, noises, sparkles, etc.. for it to keep his attention for a very long time. The more wow factor to things the better. Because of this I see him being one who really loves doing projects like making something out of wood,
fixing the car, etc.. but will never complete this and he will do this ALL of the time. No matter how much he says he is going full force into something it will always be left by the wayside.
2nd thing im seeing with your son is that he will definatly have a BIG intellect. Even from a young age he will carry around alot of information in his head that most 2 year olds wouldnt know. Alot of people will label him geeky and nerdy from how much smarts im seeing with him. He will ALWAYS be on the search for getting new information to fill his brain as I see he feels really alive when he has something to grasp on education wise. Whether its spending all day on the computer finding out about frogs or reading a book to discover how to make a paper airplane.



Reading #2
BOY - JAN
Fireman
When it comes to your son, hes definitely a guys guy. He LOVES to wrestle with his dad, always inventing their own WWE type wrestling. IT can be either thumb wrestling, arm wrestling or straight out wrestling around on the ground, He just likes to rumble with his dad and have a good time. They show him usually having a lighter brown hair color, hes one that is a bit fussy about how it looks and hates to have it long. They show slight spiky around the front and top, but the rest of its cut REALLY short, almost like a buzz cut. For him, whatever is easiest and fastest as hes not one to sit still too long for long periods of time. He likes moving around, he likes
action, he likes to have fun. Usually not the type to want to do things that require you to sit there, he gets easily bored and will often find ways of entertaining himself. From playing wtih his cars, to wrestling with his dad.. he just likes to be occupied. When reading a book wtih him, as long as you make it interesting by making funny voices, or asking him to point to certain characters then he will sit and read the book with you. He loves anything action related, things that will be like army figures or spider man type toys..etc. When it comes to your son, hes always trust worthy. You can really count on him to be there when you need him. Always the first one to step up to the plate when something is going wrong. If hes ever done something to hurt someone, hes the first to either apologize or explain himself. Not one to do something like that intentionally. Hes got a good heart. When it comes to career paths, they show him linked to working as a fireman, eventually going into more of a specialist type field and going with investigation into how something like that got started..etc.

When it comes to marriage i See him closer to 26, they will have two boys of their own.

So this blog has not been about infertility much lately. It's probably because other things in life have taken importance over that, for now at least.

I have about one week to decide on a job. I have so many concerns about opening my own business. Health insurance is a major major concern of mine because fertility treatments are so darn expensive. I had $8000 of tax deductions last year from fertility treatments b/c my old insurance didn't pay for treatment. We FINALLY have an insurance company that will pay, and what happens? I give that job up? I go back to uncertainty and expense? Or I take a job with a settled company and take their good health insurance and move forward with treatment?

Is that short-sighted of me? I can't decide. If you ask me what is more important--career or family? Family will win out every single time. Unfortunately the career is what is going to keep the family afloat. What is the best for the family?

I don't know the answer to that question. It freaks me out to think about starting my own business. If grad school had decent insurance that we could rely on for a little while, then I would feel much much better. I know Warren will have the best benefits in the future because teaching has way better benefits, but the unknown is killing me.

I am not a gambler. I am a planner. I am not a risk-taker, with anything at all. Maybe, deep down, that is why fertility treatments bug me so bad. I can't plan. I don't know when or if we will ever have a child. It sucks.

But....I can plan my career. I can have some control over that. Is it wrong to want that?

I broke the news

Well, I did it. I broke the news to my mentors at work that I probably will be leaving the university. It was, by far, the hardest thing I have done in awhile. Even though I have settled my mind on opening my own practice and "doing my own thing," this was definitely bittersweet.

I thought I would feel more free. I felt very sad. I even choked up a time or two. I explained to them about the infertility process and how it affects my decision. They said that they understand, and of course want me to stay to work with them, but they want me to be happy. I appreciate that.

I think I will be happy in private practice, but I can't help but worry because it is such a huge change from what I thought my future would hold. I have spent the last four years devoted to my mentors at the university and telling everyone (including myself) that I definitely wanted to stay. How can I just give that up so easily?

Honestly, it hasn't been that easy. I think I have been through all of the stages of bereavement---and they suck! I just pray I am making the right decision.....for myself, for my husband, and for our future family.

In other news--beta hcg was negative today. Big surprise there. I have become the amazing infertile lady. I just don't understand how we got pregnant so quickly the first time only to have it take so long this time around! :( It makes me sad.

Fertility Update

That is what this website is supposed to be about, right? I went in for the post-coital test this morning. Guess what? It turns out that W's spermies make it through my cervix, but then they completely stop swimming. Lazy little buggers. I don't know if they just wear out easily or if it has something to do with going through the cervix. Either way, we're doing IUI's from here on out. We've got our first one on Saturday.

I've got only one dominant follicle this month. I am actually okay with that. The thought of ending up like crazy-lady octomom was not making me happy last month. I much much much prefer to just have one baby at a time.

In other good news? The dominant follie I just mentioned.....it's on my LEFT SIDE! Hallelujah to my left ovary for figuring out how to ovulate. If I could, I would go down there and give it a hug and a high-five! This is good news because my left tube was open on the HSG, but my right tube was not completely open. Ovulating on a bad tube x 6 months = no pregnancy. Ovulation on a open tube = Yeah, parties, candies, etc!!!

I'm still out there in the job hunt. I interviewed with a company today, and that job sounds like heaven. It's got benefits, stability, FANTASTIC PAY, a half-day off each week, and it's 5 minutes from my house. I have been thinking about opening my own private practice, but working with this other company sounds so wonderful, especially in this awful economy.

It'll be interesting to see how life plays out. I can't help but think that decisions made now (both with fertility and work) will affect our future from years to come.

Hi, Ho, Hi, Ho. It's off to work I go.

Work has become such a huge concern for me lately. I thought I was going to start a geriatric fellowship in July. It turns out that the fellowship will probably not be accredited in time for me to start. I have so many feelings and emotions about all of this. I wonder why they didn't turn in the accreditation forms earlier? I've been saying that I wanted to do the geriatric fellowship for four years. It certainly is not a surprise to anyone. The lack of accreditation is a big surprise for me.

The university says that they want me to stay. They have promised me a job until the fellowship opens. Can I do this? Can I trust my future, my husband's future, and our family's future to a "maybe?"

I spent my whole life thinking I was going to do the fellowship. I have cried over this. I have been angry and sad. Perhaps the most shocking emotion? Excitement. Relief. Feeling "free." Free of the constraints that an academic career would hold from me. Free from the responsibility of it all. Free to see patients in my own office and only be responsible for my decisions. Free to "start over."

I'm also really scared. Is this a good economy to open my own private practice? What if I am not happy in private practice? What if I am not happy in the university? What if I love private practice?

I can't help but think that this is the reason we miscarried earlier this year. If we had not lost that child, I would be 8 months pregnant right now trying to find a job. I think I probably would have settled for the university because I would have been scared of a future that is unknown coupled with a newborn child.

Hopefully, God will see fit to put me in the right job. I have been praying about it, and I feel like doors have been opening and closing. I am looking for a family-friendly position. I think my family comes first. That means both my husband and our future children.

Interestingly, a lot has happened to us this month in the ttc arena. I had the HSG and have a possible right tube blockage. We have a mycoplasma infection that is probably contributing to the infertility. We still don't know about the post-coital test. In spite of this, I have not thought about ttc much.

I have thought about my wonderful husband and our life together. We are a stronger, better couple now than ever before. Best of all, the sex has been great! It was like ttc had taken all the enjoyment out of it. Not anymore! Maybe there is something to relaxing!

Tomorrow is D-day

We have a new doctor. A new doctor that we can trust. I don't think I completely understood just how much having a doctor that I didn't trust played into my anxiety about getting pregnant.

I had my first appointment last week, and I really like her. She went through fertility treatments herself to have her, now teenage, child. I really feel like she understands what we are going through. She is much more nurturing than my last doctor.

She is also more thorough. I appreciate the thoroughness because it leaves little room for worry, and I certainly do not need little unknowns. It is those exact unknowns that cause me so much heartache. For example: Did I ovulate? I never had a + OPK, but I got my period, so I must've ovulated right? Are my tubes blocked? Do I have a good ovarian reserve? What if my hot flashes are caused by early menopause and not a side effect of the medications? What if I have a hostile cervix? Why is it taking so long? My mind is a wonderland of worry.

I am happy to say that all of these questions (and more) will be answered by next week. ANSWERED. One way or the other, I will have an answer and will deal with whatever those answers are.

Tomorrow is my personal D-Day. I've got a HSG scheduled. I've had this long-standing fear since the ectopic that my tubes are blocked. I secretly believe that this is what caused the ectopic and is also the reason that we have not gotten pregnant since then. It seems like every other person on the message board who miscarried in September is already pregnant (or has lost again :( ) since then. What about me you ask? I'm trucking along. Just like always. Doing fertility treatments and still not pregnant. I'm hoping we will have some answers this month.

D-day countdown: 20 hours. YIKES!

Why does this have to suck so bad?

I hate ttc. I hate every single little thing about it. I hate the doctor's visits. I hate the waiting and praying for my body to do something that every other woman's body does on it's own. I hate how the medications make me feel. I hate that it makes sex routine and ruins something really special. I hate the pressure. I hate the waiting. Most of all I hate the lack of control.

I have planned my whole life. I have had a plan, and I have worked really hard to meet my goals. Really hard. So far, I've met them all. Except this one. This one baffles me.

I have lived a life of delayed gratification. Delayed gratification with my relationship because W and I met when we were 16, but our parents kept us apart like some awful repeat of "Romeo and Juliet." Delayed gratification with school because.....well, it's pretty obvious....med school sucks. Residency is really long, but it doesn't suck as bad. Delayed gratification with financial planning in my life because of choices related to graduate school.

Ironically, I thought ttc would be the one thing where I would not have to have delayed gratification. Turns out that is not true. In a way, this is so much worse than delayed gratification because of the ectopic. That was the awful nail in the coffin. I feel so hopeless and empty ttc since then. I ttc again for what? For the possibility of losing another child? For the possibility of 9 months of anxiety and worry? For the possibility of the 100 million things that can go wrong?

All of these thoughts lead me back to my ultimate question: Where is my happy? Where? Not here. Not now anyway.

Work? Wouldn't it be nice to just quit?

I work four jobs. It sounds crazy, but it is unfortunately true. I have a "real job" that I work 40 hours per week. Then I have three side jobs that I work after-hours and/or on the weekends. I have been working myself in the ground.

Last week, I quit one of those side jobs. Not because I don't need the money, but because I wanted to.....for my own sanity. I've been thinking about it and daydreaming over it for months now, but I couldn't make myself bite the bullet! I kept thinking that I would quit when we got pregnant....but God only knows when that will happen. I decided to quit for myself...not because I have to quit for a child. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of me!

In June, I will quit another one of those side jobs. I'm debating on picking up an extra one because I've had several offers, but I am tired. I finish residency in June, and I have decided to do a 1-year fellowship. This means that all of my friends are done with moonlighting and are out making a "real salary." I will be stuck behind for another year making a pitiance.......hence the reason I moonlight.

I will definitely keep one of the side jobs. I like the job I work 1-2 weekends/month. It pays well. It's out of town, but not too far away. The nurses there are AWESOME and everyone is really friendly. All in all, I like it here. Don't get me wrong, I am exhausted when I get home on Sunday evening. There is nothing like being on call for 72 hours straight, only sleeping 4 hrs/night, and then seeing 30 pts/day that will do that to you.

I was thinking I might even keep this job after a baby arrives (if a baby ever arrives--I'm starting to get bummed again and wondering if I will ever get pregnant). Just for a year--then I'm quitting it too and getting my "real job" with a "real salary!"

(Image from Sword in the Stone by Disney)

I hate hate hate hate washing clothes. I mean I really hate it! It's probably the reason that I let that particular part of the housework build up until I can no longer avoid it! It has gotten so bad that my mother (who retired this year) has offered to come to my home when I am at work one day and wash all of the clothes. She thinks this will "catch me up." She, of course, keeps reminding me that I am going to have to wash clothes on a daily basis once a baby gets here.

I, logically, know that is true. For some reason, walking into my laundry room is just too overwhelming. It all started at our last home where the washer/dryer was located down in the basement and I was afraid to go down there b/c there were lots of spiders. When we moved here, we just bagged all the dirty clothes and moved them here. Needless to say, I never caught up.

I've been working on it this week, and W worked on it when I was out of town a few weeks ago. We have certainly made strides. The problem with laundry is that you always end up making more. It's hard to feel accomplished and "done" with something when you look down at the shirt you are wearing and think "damn...another thing to wash."

I've had this thought that I would LOVE to be Merlin from the Sword in the Stone. You know how he could magically make the dishes wash themselves? How awesome would it be if

Why can't we all just walk around naked all the time? Then--no clothes to wash.

Ooohhh--speaking of which--W's Valentine's Day present arrived today. I think he's going to be really happy!

Calmer, Party of One?

I feel like this is a totally different world for me these days. I have a different outlook on life, on family, on...making babies. I think my relationship with W is better than ever before. We've made love every single night this week and just laid there talking to each other for hours afterwards. I love him so much.

I also don't spend as much time thinking about our loss or worrying about our future. Whatever is meant to happen, will.

I don't think words can express how thankful I am for these changes.

Out of Town Work Weekends--Good for the soul?

I'm pretty sure the answer is no. I thought I was doing so well lately with anxiety and worry over the timing of pregnancy, but when I am left to my own devices I start to worry again. I tried desperately to schedule a massage, mani/pedi, facial, etc....ANYTHING to take my mind off of the stress of work, missing my hubby, and wanting to make us a family. It turns out every single spa in the city was booked. Literally every one. I know because I called every single one of them.

I can't wait to get back home to some normalcy and not live out of this hotel room any longer (no matter how nice it may be). I miss my DH. I really really miss him. I want to try to guilt him into coming to see me, but I don't think that's right. I know he has a lot of work to do on his PhD, but I miss him. I took an extra day of work this weekend b/c the other doctor's father died and he needed someone to cover another day. It turns out that it's been a rather rough few days at work.

I can't wait to see DH tomorrow. There's a part of me that really wants him to drive up here on the weekends and surprise me in some grand romantic gesture. Then there is the other part of me that knows that I am busy at work and that it wouldn't be fulfilling for either of us if that happened.

I need to stay home. Man I wish I could quit all of these weekend jobs. I swear I would be a calmer, happier person. Of course, then I would probably have to take up a hobby.

What makes a man

I was reading another blog today when I came across this post with the query: "What makes a man?" It is an interesting question to me. I think people would give different answers, and I know I will give you a different answer today than I would have 3 years ago, 6 years ago, etc.

I think of the men in my life who I think are men. My father, of course. But, perhaps surprisingly and even more so than my father, my husband. I say surprisingly because I think it would surprise him to know that I think of him as more than a man than my own father.

My husband has always been there for me. He is faithful and kind. He is loving. He is a teeny-tiny bit of a nerd (ok, that's not really true--he's a really big nerd but I love him for it). He is good to me and our four animals. He is good to other people who are hurting. He knows how to calm me and support me. He also knows how to make me more angry than any other person on this earth, but he doesn't do it intentionally so I don't hold it against him (for too long).

You know what makes him even more of a man to me? The way he has supported me throughout this process. The way he tells me that it doesn't matter if we aren't able to have kids because then we'll have more time together. The way he tells me that it's better to be in our situation and be trying to have a child in a happy marriage. The little ways that he lets me know it's not about having a child--it's about us. I know that, deep down in my heart, but I forget it sometimes through this God-forsaken process of trying to conceive with a fertility specialist. I say God-forsaken because it feels that way some days.

And my husband knows that. He knows how I question God and can't find answers. He may not understand my method of questioning, but he is nonetheless supportive.

He is a man because he isn't afraid to cook for me, show up at my big presentations at work, cry during a sad movie with me (Bucket List anyone?). He's a man because snugging (that word is trademarked just for us;) ) on the sofa comforts both of us. I love how he rests his cheek on my head, sniffs in my hair, lightly kisses the top of my head, and pulls me in closer with his arms wrapped around my chest. It's so intimate, but not in a way that many would imagine to be intimate.

It's times like these that I realize and remember that this process is about us. I created this blog as a way to talk about us and our life, but I'm afraid that's it's been completely over-run by this awful process and the bad things that have happened this year.

We've made a pact in real-life to get back to us. To spend more time snugging on the sofa. To snug in bed before going to sleep. To spend time talking and holding each other. We've done just that, and I love it. I think it's time to re-center my blog as well. Hopefully if I can recenter the blog on us, it won't hurt so bad to think about coming here to write about life. Because life isn't just trying to conceive, no matter that it does feel that way sometimes.

This feels more uplifting. Actually, life feels a lot more uplifting lately. It's going to be okay--whatever the outcome. It's going to work out--because we'll make it work--because we, us--that's what is important.

I'm really sad today

I thought I was handling this month well with regards to infertility, but I am definitely not. I have cried my eyes out today.

It all started out this morning. I had a voicemail on my cellphone from an old friend who had a miscarriage last year and knew about our loss, so she was calling to check on me. She said I'd really been "on her heart" lately. She left numbers, but I haven't called her back. I just don't feel like talking right now.

Then I went to my twice-weekly therapy appointment. My therapist has been trying to get me to talk about my feelings about infertility for a few weeks now, but it's been hard for me to open up. I tend to lock my feelings away somewhere and not go back to look at them. Truthfully, it just hurts too bad to look at them.

So, we were talking about my feelings, and he thought that I needed a little self-disclosure on his part for me to be able to talk about this. He and his wife tried for >1 year to have their second child, and they experienced all the familiar feelings and fears that I have. That started the river--I just started crying, well sobbing, and it continued for the whole hour. I can't believe the things that I said. Sometimes it is surprising to me the things that I think.

I told him that the process is more hurtful than I ever imagined it would be. I feel exhausted and overwhelmed. I feel "over it"--mostly because I just don't know how much more hurt I can take. I wonder when we need to seriously look at adoption, but then there is another part of me that doesn't think I'm ready to go that route yet.....not yet. Ultimately, I told him that I don't see a happy outcome.

Where's my happy? Not when I get pregnant because then I'll just worry about if it's a normal pregnancy. Certainly not now. When the baby gets here? If a baby ever gets here? I don't know--I've never experienced that. Truthfully, maybe I never will.

I talked to my DH this afternoon. He thinks my mood swings are a good predictor that I'm pregnant. I think I'm just sad and PMSing. I took a test this afternoon. Negative. I knew it would be--don't know what I was thinking wasting money on the test.

I've certainly had a good cry today. Literally all day. I have cried out to God. How much more pain are we supposed to endure? When is it enough? When will He say that it's more than you can handle? I feel really darn close right now. I don't feel Him. I don't feel his presence. I don't understand why I would have this desire if He's not going to follow-up on it. Did he put me on my friend's heart in order that she could provide comfort to me? I don't want to talk to her.....I think maybe I don't want to be comforted.

Man I hate making mistakes

I should be banned from the computer--seriously. My work email has recently been changed, and it confuses me. Two days ago, I received a group email from one person asking for assistance. I responded to everyone accidentally (meant it to just go to the sender--but you know). Then, everyone got "worked up" and excited over the possibility of something I said--it was just a possibility people. It's not real....yet. People just get so excited.

So, here everyone is jumping to conclusions and emails are apparently flying around like mad.....but guess what? The new work email? It blocks ALL of them and sends them to my spam filter. I don't even see them. I can't even address all this excitement and tell everyone to calm down. It wasn't until someone finally cc'd me late today that I realized what happened.

I wish I'd never said anything. I have no clue what made me respond. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, Stupid. Stay away from group emails!

That time of the month...Again

This is Vulcan every single morning. Stupid cat. He has an automatic feeder--what more does he want?

Well, I didn't get pregnant last month. I also didn't post because the holidays really really sucked for me. It was hard to face the family and not be pregnant. I wanted so bad to be pregnant and to know that next Christmas we will have a baby at home with us. I didn't have that knowledge. Instead of it being one of the best Christmases to date, it has the distinction of being the worst (by far). But....it's over now. I survived. I didn't die from grief like I thought I would. I'm thinking that makes me a stronger person now--well, I'm hoping that it makes me a stronger person anyway.

I'm not focusing on the 2WW this month, although I am totally back in it. I refuse to enter my FPS (fake pregnancy symptoms) into Fertility Friend this month. Not going to do it. Instead, I have a Grand Rounds presentation due January 27th, and I am FREAKING OUT over it. I'm the first of my classmates to do it, and I don't want to bomb. The idea of speaking for an hour about a topic I am somewhat knowledgeable about to a whole bunch of people who are more knowledgeable than me makes me want to puke. I hope I don't do that in front of everyone! It might be funny, if it doesn't happen to me!;)

Funny thing is that AF is due 3 days before my GR presentation. I can't decide if I want to be pregnant this month b/c of all the stress. Then I tell myself--you're crazy--of course you want to be pregnant. I do, but I'm scared. Really scared. That crazy kind of scared where you can't imagine anything good ever happening to you again. Truthfully, I don't know how much more bad I can take.

I have started praying nightly. I even started praying for myself.....which is something I could not bring myself to do after the ectopic. I keep telling myself that God would not give me the desire to be a mom if he didn't plan on following through, right? I mean, after all, I went YEARS not wanting to be a mom. I didn't want kids. I liked my life. Then, all of a sudden out of nowhere, I was blindsided by the desire to be a mom and have kids and mess up my life with all the uncertainties that children can bring. I certainly can't imagine that I placed that desire within myself. I really do think it came from God, and so does W.