I'm really sad today

I thought I was handling this month well with regards to infertility, but I am definitely not. I have cried my eyes out today.

It all started out this morning. I had a voicemail on my cellphone from an old friend who had a miscarriage last year and knew about our loss, so she was calling to check on me. She said I'd really been "on her heart" lately. She left numbers, but I haven't called her back. I just don't feel like talking right now.

Then I went to my twice-weekly therapy appointment. My therapist has been trying to get me to talk about my feelings about infertility for a few weeks now, but it's been hard for me to open up. I tend to lock my feelings away somewhere and not go back to look at them. Truthfully, it just hurts too bad to look at them.

So, we were talking about my feelings, and he thought that I needed a little self-disclosure on his part for me to be able to talk about this. He and his wife tried for >1 year to have their second child, and they experienced all the familiar feelings and fears that I have. That started the river--I just started crying, well sobbing, and it continued for the whole hour. I can't believe the things that I said. Sometimes it is surprising to me the things that I think.

I told him that the process is more hurtful than I ever imagined it would be. I feel exhausted and overwhelmed. I feel "over it"--mostly because I just don't know how much more hurt I can take. I wonder when we need to seriously look at adoption, but then there is another part of me that doesn't think I'm ready to go that route yet.....not yet. Ultimately, I told him that I don't see a happy outcome.

Where's my happy? Not when I get pregnant because then I'll just worry about if it's a normal pregnancy. Certainly not now. When the baby gets here? If a baby ever gets here? I don't know--I've never experienced that. Truthfully, maybe I never will.

I talked to my DH this afternoon. He thinks my mood swings are a good predictor that I'm pregnant. I think I'm just sad and PMSing. I took a test this afternoon. Negative. I knew it would be--don't know what I was thinking wasting money on the test.

I've certainly had a good cry today. Literally all day. I have cried out to God. How much more pain are we supposed to endure? When is it enough? When will He say that it's more than you can handle? I feel really darn close right now. I don't feel Him. I don't feel his presence. I don't understand why I would have this desire if He's not going to follow-up on it. Did he put me on my friend's heart in order that she could provide comfort to me? I don't want to talk to her.....I think maybe I don't want to be comforted.