Tomorrow is D-day

We have a new doctor. A new doctor that we can trust. I don't think I completely understood just how much having a doctor that I didn't trust played into my anxiety about getting pregnant.

I had my first appointment last week, and I really like her. She went through fertility treatments herself to have her, now teenage, child. I really feel like she understands what we are going through. She is much more nurturing than my last doctor.

She is also more thorough. I appreciate the thoroughness because it leaves little room for worry, and I certainly do not need little unknowns. It is those exact unknowns that cause me so much heartache. For example: Did I ovulate? I never had a + OPK, but I got my period, so I must've ovulated right? Are my tubes blocked? Do I have a good ovarian reserve? What if my hot flashes are caused by early menopause and not a side effect of the medications? What if I have a hostile cervix? Why is it taking so long? My mind is a wonderland of worry.

I am happy to say that all of these questions (and more) will be answered by next week. ANSWERED. One way or the other, I will have an answer and will deal with whatever those answers are.

Tomorrow is my personal D-Day. I've got a HSG scheduled. I've had this long-standing fear since the ectopic that my tubes are blocked. I secretly believe that this is what caused the ectopic and is also the reason that we have not gotten pregnant since then. It seems like every other person on the message board who miscarried in September is already pregnant (or has lost again :( ) since then. What about me you ask? I'm trucking along. Just like always. Doing fertility treatments and still not pregnant. I'm hoping we will have some answers this month.

D-day countdown: 20 hours. YIKES!

Why does this have to suck so bad?

I hate ttc. I hate every single little thing about it. I hate the doctor's visits. I hate the waiting and praying for my body to do something that every other woman's body does on it's own. I hate how the medications make me feel. I hate that it makes sex routine and ruins something really special. I hate the pressure. I hate the waiting. Most of all I hate the lack of control.

I have planned my whole life. I have had a plan, and I have worked really hard to meet my goals. Really hard. So far, I've met them all. Except this one. This one baffles me.

I have lived a life of delayed gratification. Delayed gratification with my relationship because W and I met when we were 16, but our parents kept us apart like some awful repeat of "Romeo and Juliet." Delayed gratification with school because.....well, it's pretty obvious....med school sucks. Residency is really long, but it doesn't suck as bad. Delayed gratification with financial planning in my life because of choices related to graduate school.

Ironically, I thought ttc would be the one thing where I would not have to have delayed gratification. Turns out that is not true. In a way, this is so much worse than delayed gratification because of the ectopic. That was the awful nail in the coffin. I feel so hopeless and empty ttc since then. I ttc again for what? For the possibility of losing another child? For the possibility of 9 months of anxiety and worry? For the possibility of the 100 million things that can go wrong?

All of these thoughts lead me back to my ultimate question: Where is my happy? Where? Not here. Not now anyway.

Work? Wouldn't it be nice to just quit?

I work four jobs. It sounds crazy, but it is unfortunately true. I have a "real job" that I work 40 hours per week. Then I have three side jobs that I work after-hours and/or on the weekends. I have been working myself in the ground.

Last week, I quit one of those side jobs. Not because I don't need the money, but because I wanted to.....for my own sanity. I've been thinking about it and daydreaming over it for months now, but I couldn't make myself bite the bullet! I kept thinking that I would quit when we got pregnant....but God only knows when that will happen. I decided to quit for myself...not because I have to quit for a child. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of me!

In June, I will quit another one of those side jobs. I'm debating on picking up an extra one because I've had several offers, but I am tired. I finish residency in June, and I have decided to do a 1-year fellowship. This means that all of my friends are done with moonlighting and are out making a "real salary." I will be stuck behind for another year making a pitiance.......hence the reason I moonlight.

I will definitely keep one of the side jobs. I like the job I work 1-2 weekends/month. It pays well. It's out of town, but not too far away. The nurses there are AWESOME and everyone is really friendly. All in all, I like it here. Don't get me wrong, I am exhausted when I get home on Sunday evening. There is nothing like being on call for 72 hours straight, only sleeping 4 hrs/night, and then seeing 30 pts/day that will do that to you.

I was thinking I might even keep this job after a baby arrives (if a baby ever arrives--I'm starting to get bummed again and wondering if I will ever get pregnant). Just for a year--then I'm quitting it too and getting my "real job" with a "real salary!"

(Image from Sword in the Stone by Disney)

I hate hate hate hate washing clothes. I mean I really hate it! It's probably the reason that I let that particular part of the housework build up until I can no longer avoid it! It has gotten so bad that my mother (who retired this year) has offered to come to my home when I am at work one day and wash all of the clothes. She thinks this will "catch me up." She, of course, keeps reminding me that I am going to have to wash clothes on a daily basis once a baby gets here.

I, logically, know that is true. For some reason, walking into my laundry room is just too overwhelming. It all started at our last home where the washer/dryer was located down in the basement and I was afraid to go down there b/c there were lots of spiders. When we moved here, we just bagged all the dirty clothes and moved them here. Needless to say, I never caught up.

I've been working on it this week, and W worked on it when I was out of town a few weeks ago. We have certainly made strides. The problem with laundry is that you always end up making more. It's hard to feel accomplished and "done" with something when you look down at the shirt you are wearing and think "damn...another thing to wash."

I've had this thought that I would LOVE to be Merlin from the Sword in the Stone. You know how he could magically make the dishes wash themselves? How awesome would it be if

Why can't we all just walk around naked all the time? Then--no clothes to wash.

Ooohhh--speaking of which--W's Valentine's Day present arrived today. I think he's going to be really happy!

Calmer, Party of One?

I feel like this is a totally different world for me these days. I have a different outlook on life, on family, on...making babies. I think my relationship with W is better than ever before. We've made love every single night this week and just laid there talking to each other for hours afterwards. I love him so much.

I also don't spend as much time thinking about our loss or worrying about our future. Whatever is meant to happen, will.

I don't think words can express how thankful I am for these changes.