That time of the month...Again

This is Vulcan every single morning. Stupid cat. He has an automatic feeder--what more does he want?

Well, I didn't get pregnant last month. I also didn't post because the holidays really really sucked for me. It was hard to face the family and not be pregnant. I wanted so bad to be pregnant and to know that next Christmas we will have a baby at home with us. I didn't have that knowledge. Instead of it being one of the best Christmases to date, it has the distinction of being the worst (by far). But....it's over now. I survived. I didn't die from grief like I thought I would. I'm thinking that makes me a stronger person now--well, I'm hoping that it makes me a stronger person anyway.

I'm not focusing on the 2WW this month, although I am totally back in it. I refuse to enter my FPS (fake pregnancy symptoms) into Fertility Friend this month. Not going to do it. Instead, I have a Grand Rounds presentation due January 27th, and I am FREAKING OUT over it. I'm the first of my classmates to do it, and I don't want to bomb. The idea of speaking for an hour about a topic I am somewhat knowledgeable about to a whole bunch of people who are more knowledgeable than me makes me want to puke. I hope I don't do that in front of everyone! It might be funny, if it doesn't happen to me!;)

Funny thing is that AF is due 3 days before my GR presentation. I can't decide if I want to be pregnant this month b/c of all the stress. Then I tell myself--you're crazy--of course you want to be pregnant. I do, but I'm scared. Really scared. That crazy kind of scared where you can't imagine anything good ever happening to you again. Truthfully, I don't know how much more bad I can take.

I have started praying nightly. I even started praying for myself.....which is something I could not bring myself to do after the ectopic. I keep telling myself that God would not give me the desire to be a mom if he didn't plan on following through, right? I mean, after all, I went YEARS not wanting to be a mom. I didn't want kids. I liked my life. Then, all of a sudden out of nowhere, I was blindsided by the desire to be a mom and have kids and mess up my life with all the uncertainties that children can bring. I certainly can't imagine that I placed that desire within myself. I really do think it came from God, and so does W.