What makes a man

I was reading another blog today when I came across this post with the query: "What makes a man?" It is an interesting question to me. I think people would give different answers, and I know I will give you a different answer today than I would have 3 years ago, 6 years ago, etc.

I think of the men in my life who I think are men. My father, of course. But, perhaps surprisingly and even more so than my father, my husband. I say surprisingly because I think it would surprise him to know that I think of him as more than a man than my own father.

My husband has always been there for me. He is faithful and kind. He is loving. He is a teeny-tiny bit of a nerd (ok, that's not really true--he's a really big nerd but I love him for it). He is good to me and our four animals. He is good to other people who are hurting. He knows how to calm me and support me. He also knows how to make me more angry than any other person on this earth, but he doesn't do it intentionally so I don't hold it against him (for too long).

You know what makes him even more of a man to me? The way he has supported me throughout this process. The way he tells me that it doesn't matter if we aren't able to have kids because then we'll have more time together. The way he tells me that it's better to be in our situation and be trying to have a child in a happy marriage. The little ways that he lets me know it's not about having a child--it's about us. I know that, deep down in my heart, but I forget it sometimes through this God-forsaken process of trying to conceive with a fertility specialist. I say God-forsaken because it feels that way some days.

And my husband knows that. He knows how I question God and can't find answers. He may not understand my method of questioning, but he is nonetheless supportive.

He is a man because he isn't afraid to cook for me, show up at my big presentations at work, cry during a sad movie with me (Bucket List anyone?). He's a man because snugging (that word is trademarked just for us;) ) on the sofa comforts both of us. I love how he rests his cheek on my head, sniffs in my hair, lightly kisses the top of my head, and pulls me in closer with his arms wrapped around my chest. It's so intimate, but not in a way that many would imagine to be intimate.

It's times like these that I realize and remember that this process is about us. I created this blog as a way to talk about us and our life, but I'm afraid that's it's been completely over-run by this awful process and the bad things that have happened this year.

We've made a pact in real-life to get back to us. To spend more time snugging on the sofa. To snug in bed before going to sleep. To spend time talking and holding each other. We've done just that, and I love it. I think it's time to re-center my blog as well. Hopefully if I can recenter the blog on us, it won't hurt so bad to think about coming here to write about life. Because life isn't just trying to conceive, no matter that it does feel that way sometimes.

This feels more uplifting. Actually, life feels a lot more uplifting lately. It's going to be okay--whatever the outcome. It's going to work out--because we'll make it work--because we, us--that's what is important.