I will not.....

It's time to make a new resolution to myself. I will NOT look at baby related things until I am pregnant. This means no baby clothes, baby furniture, baby bedding, maternity clothes, etc. None of it. I have been looking and looking and it's making me want this even more. I'm going to take the saying from kindergarten and run with it...."just say no."

On the up side, I now know where I want to shop when I become pg. I also decided how I want to tell W I am pregnant when it happens. I'll have to keep it a little bit of a secret (for less than 24 hours), but it'll be worth the wait.....assuming I do become pregnant one day.

I really miss W. He's out of town right now at a conference. Usually, I really enjoy having the house to myself for a day or two. This time, I missed him the moment I came back home.

I'm turning into a sap. I think W would say this is good. We used to be so close, then we became more emotionally separate as I worked more hours at the hospital and he was started the PhD. It's really bothered me that we were so separate, but I wasn't sure what to do about it. Plus, W would become really upset about it and get sort of mean. I know now that it was his way of saying hey honey, I miss you and I miss talking to you.....but I'm a stubborn fool. I knew deep-down that was what he was saying to me, but the words he used were so hurtful that I became too fearful to open up.

Things have really turned around for us lately. I am much less concerned about our future, whereas I used to really wonder. I think that was part of my hesitancy to have children in the past. I wanted to know that we were both in it for keeps before I helped bring a child into the world. I just kept reminding myself that every marriage goes through hard times. It's how you handle the hard times that defines who you are as a couple, not the good times. Anyone can do good times.....but can they stay together and cling together throughout the bad?

I can't imagine having a child with anyone but W. I think, if it's not meant to be for us as a couple, then it's not meant to be for me. No donor stuff. I'm not really keen on adoption. I'd really be OK just spending the rest of my life with him. It doesn't mean I wouldn't be sad, and it doesn't mean I wouldn't be a little bitter(ok, angry and depressed)....but I think we'd make it.

If you're reading this, I just want you to know how much I love you and miss you. I'm really glad that you married me. I'm glad that we decided to work through all our problems. I'm really glad that I decided to listen to you about starting a family, even if there has been a lot of heartache along the way. I'm not glad that you're at the conference or that I'm out of town for work this weekend......but, hey......you can't win them all!

I wish you were next to me tonight.