A lot has changed

I haven't felt like posting here in a very long while. I've had some very bad, dark days since my last post on September 5th. It turns out that the slow-rising betas were a sign of ectopic pregnancy.

We went in for our first ultrasound on September 12th, and we were really hoping to see fish. Wow--I haven't thought of the word fish in several months. Anyway, they saw nothing on the ultrasound. It quickly went from being the best day of my life to the worst. Fast. The doctor wanted to wait a week hoping that we were just earlier than we thought.

On September 14th, I awoke to excrutiating pain and W rushed me to the ER. At the ER, an ultrasound was repeated and I was diagnosed with ectopic pregnancy. They gave me a shot of methotrexate and told me to follow-up with the RE.

On September 16th, we met with Dr. Blackwell again to discuss what happened. He assured us the only risk factor we have for ectopic pregnancy was the fertility treatments. However, my risk for ectopic is increased for subsequent pregnancies. He also told us it would be roughly 4 weeks before we could start ttc again.

It was a hell of a lot longer than four weeks. Week after week I'd go back for a beta check and it was not falling quickly enough. Finally, 10 weeks later, it was 7. 5 days later, it was less than five (considered negative).

I've been really angry, sad, envious, irritable, etc. It's absolutely amazing how many emotions you can have at once. It's also amazing the way that this has shaped who I now am and my life. It has shaped my religious beliefs in ways that I do not completely understand yet. I want to believe that God has good things in store for me, but I don't think that is true. I don't think he gives a F*** anymore. He certainly wasn't there for me during the miscarriage. He wasn't there during the horrible emotional pain afterwards. I can barely bring myself to pray anymore. The few times I have, it has not gone well. I want to have a child--but I don't think I will be able to thank God for that child. In order to thank Him, I will have to thank Him for my loss--and I am just not ready to do that yet.....if ever.

There have been some good things to happen. I feel much more empathetic toward others. I'm very aware of how wrong it could go, and I'm much more sensitive about the things I might say to people that could accidentally hurt them. I do think I will be a thoughtful pregnant lady, if I ever get that chance.

Some people want to be pregnant. They want to tell others that they are and be the center of attention. I just want a child. I want to have that child at home and love it and provide for it.

I just don't understand why this happened. Today is a sad day for me. I've been feeling less sad for 1-2 weeks now, but today has been rough. I've finally started back ttc, and I'm getting closer to the time when I'm supposed to ovulate. All of these feelings and the loss come rushing back to me--and it hurts so bad.

I just don't understand. I hope that, one day, it will work out for us. I want nothing more than to have a child of our own and make our marriage into a family.