Hopeful but Sad

I don't know if I told you guys, but I actually bought one of those psychic readings a while back. Actually, I bought two. One gave me a January date. The other one gave me a December 2008-April 2009 timeframe, but she was leaning toward early April. These two only match up this month. This one month. Unfortunately, I am really hopeful this month.

I have to admit that I was really hopeful in January too, but then the world came crashing down around me....and that really sucked. The crazy thing is that I don't even believe in psychics. I hate hate hate that I ordered it. I feel like I have wronged God in some way, but I don't understand that completely either.

I ordered them at a time in my life when I was really sad about our prior loss. I was looking for hope, but I wasn't finding it anywhere. I prayed and looked for hope from God, but I wasn't finding answers there. I'm still not really finding answers from Him, but I want to. So I turned to something else. I feel like I almost turned to the dark-side.

The crazier part of it all? The description that they gave me matched perfectly.....even though they were given from two totally different people. I feel as if I am setting myself up for failure. I kept begging God to make me pregnant at another time so that these predictions won't be right. What does it mean if they are right? That he is wrong? That there is something out there? Or maybe that he allowed me to find hope from them at a time when I really needed it?

I would love to get pregnant this month for several reasons. One of which is that I am tired of ttc, emotionally drained and tired. Another is that my RE wants to do surgery in May. I have time for one last cycle before this surgery hits us. I want want want to avoid surgery so bad. Of course I will do the surgery if I have to. Another reason is that I can't imagine another holiday season not pregnant dealing with my cousin, fertile myrtle who just won't shut up about it. Last Christmas almost killed me. I spent the entire season in tears. I don't want to do that again, but I don't want to avoid my family for the whole season either (which I really may do if we are not pregnant by then).

Time will Tell.

For funsies, here are the two separate "readings." I'd love to know what you all in bloggerdom think!

Reading #1
Im seeing a conceive/find out between Dec of 2008 and April 2009. I'm leaning towards later winter/early April, but the spirits are still showing a possibility of the months before that as well till Dec 2008.
I'm seeing a boy with the pregnancy.
1st thing im seeing with your son is that it feels like he loves being caught up in a million things at once. Like everything will always have his attention. He never seems to stay on one specific thing for long and if he does it will have to be something that provides alot of fireworks to him. Say when hes a baby he would have to a have a toy that is alot of colors, noises, sparkles, etc.. for it to keep his attention for a very long time. The more wow factor to things the better. Because of this I see him being one who really loves doing projects like making something out of wood,
fixing the car, etc.. but will never complete this and he will do this ALL of the time. No matter how much he says he is going full force into something it will always be left by the wayside.
2nd thing im seeing with your son is that he will definatly have a BIG intellect. Even from a young age he will carry around alot of information in his head that most 2 year olds wouldnt know. Alot of people will label him geeky and nerdy from how much smarts im seeing with him. He will ALWAYS be on the search for getting new information to fill his brain as I see he feels really alive when he has something to grasp on education wise. Whether its spending all day on the computer finding out about frogs or reading a book to discover how to make a paper airplane.



Reading #2
BOY - JAN
Fireman
When it comes to your son, hes definitely a guys guy. He LOVES to wrestle with his dad, always inventing their own WWE type wrestling. IT can be either thumb wrestling, arm wrestling or straight out wrestling around on the ground, He just likes to rumble with his dad and have a good time. They show him usually having a lighter brown hair color, hes one that is a bit fussy about how it looks and hates to have it long. They show slight spiky around the front and top, but the rest of its cut REALLY short, almost like a buzz cut. For him, whatever is easiest and fastest as hes not one to sit still too long for long periods of time. He likes moving around, he likes
action, he likes to have fun. Usually not the type to want to do things that require you to sit there, he gets easily bored and will often find ways of entertaining himself. From playing wtih his cars, to wrestling with his dad.. he just likes to be occupied. When reading a book wtih him, as long as you make it interesting by making funny voices, or asking him to point to certain characters then he will sit and read the book with you. He loves anything action related, things that will be like army figures or spider man type toys..etc. When it comes to your son, hes always trust worthy. You can really count on him to be there when you need him. Always the first one to step up to the plate when something is going wrong. If hes ever done something to hurt someone, hes the first to either apologize or explain himself. Not one to do something like that intentionally. Hes got a good heart. When it comes to career paths, they show him linked to working as a fireman, eventually going into more of a specialist type field and going with investigation into how something like that got started..etc.

When it comes to marriage i See him closer to 26, they will have two boys of their own.