Hi, Ho, Hi, Ho. It's off to work I go.

Work has become such a huge concern for me lately. I thought I was going to start a geriatric fellowship in July. It turns out that the fellowship will probably not be accredited in time for me to start. I have so many feelings and emotions about all of this. I wonder why they didn't turn in the accreditation forms earlier? I've been saying that I wanted to do the geriatric fellowship for four years. It certainly is not a surprise to anyone. The lack of accreditation is a big surprise for me.

The university says that they want me to stay. They have promised me a job until the fellowship opens. Can I do this? Can I trust my future, my husband's future, and our family's future to a "maybe?"

I spent my whole life thinking I was going to do the fellowship. I have cried over this. I have been angry and sad. Perhaps the most shocking emotion? Excitement. Relief. Feeling "free." Free of the constraints that an academic career would hold from me. Free from the responsibility of it all. Free to see patients in my own office and only be responsible for my decisions. Free to "start over."

I'm also really scared. Is this a good economy to open my own private practice? What if I am not happy in private practice? What if I am not happy in the university? What if I love private practice?

I can't help but think that this is the reason we miscarried earlier this year. If we had not lost that child, I would be 8 months pregnant right now trying to find a job. I think I probably would have settled for the university because I would have been scared of a future that is unknown coupled with a newborn child.

Hopefully, God will see fit to put me in the right job. I have been praying about it, and I feel like doors have been opening and closing. I am looking for a family-friendly position. I think my family comes first. That means both my husband and our future children.

Interestingly, a lot has happened to us this month in the ttc arena. I had the HSG and have a possible right tube blockage. We have a mycoplasma infection that is probably contributing to the infertility. We still don't know about the post-coital test. In spite of this, I have not thought about ttc much.

I have thought about my wonderful husband and our life together. We are a stronger, better couple now than ever before. Best of all, the sex has been great! It was like ttc had taken all the enjoyment out of it. Not anymore! Maybe there is something to relaxing!