I am so bad...

and I love it! I'm going to make a confession here. Note that I will deny this confession to my dying day. I will deny it to the doctor. Deny, deny, deny, deny.

A few months ago, my old RE's office accidentally called in 150IU of follistim instead of 75 IU. I haven't used this vial and it's just been sitting here.

Flash forward to this weekend when I accidentally forgot to take femara. What was I thinking you ask? I have no freaking clue! I woke up and took it the next morning, and I ended up with a double dose on day #7 (but no meds on day #6, oops).

So guess what I did today? I pulled out that 150 IU vial, and I just injected myself with it. I was supposed to do 75 IU today, but I figured what the hell? I need my left ovary to work, and I REALLY want to get pregnant this month for all the reasons mentioned below.....the least of which is to avoid surgery!

I'm hoping I don't regret it later this week when I go in for my ultrasound check! Please please please work dang it!

Ok, confession over. I'll confess my other sins later! ;)

Lunch with a Fellow Infertiler!

I had lunch today with a girl that I went to high school with who is also infertile. She has been doing treatments for 1.5 years, but they have only done 4 cycles because her doctor has made her take so many months off. I am heartbroken for her.

I feel so fortunate in light of her situation, and that makes me feel pretty bad for all of my sadness. We have, after all, been able to get pregnant once and we have had many more cycles (because of a more aggressive RE). I have to assume that we will one day get pregnant again, right? The key is that I want it to be a sticky one this time around!!!

I guess this is my lesson to just be thankful for what you have!

Hopeful but Sad

I don't know if I told you guys, but I actually bought one of those psychic readings a while back. Actually, I bought two. One gave me a January date. The other one gave me a December 2008-April 2009 timeframe, but she was leaning toward early April. These two only match up this month. This one month. Unfortunately, I am really hopeful this month.

I have to admit that I was really hopeful in January too, but then the world came crashing down around me....and that really sucked. The crazy thing is that I don't even believe in psychics. I hate hate hate that I ordered it. I feel like I have wronged God in some way, but I don't understand that completely either.

I ordered them at a time in my life when I was really sad about our prior loss. I was looking for hope, but I wasn't finding it anywhere. I prayed and looked for hope from God, but I wasn't finding answers there. I'm still not really finding answers from Him, but I want to. So I turned to something else. I feel like I almost turned to the dark-side.

The crazier part of it all? The description that they gave me matched perfectly.....even though they were given from two totally different people. I feel as if I am setting myself up for failure. I kept begging God to make me pregnant at another time so that these predictions won't be right. What does it mean if they are right? That he is wrong? That there is something out there? Or maybe that he allowed me to find hope from them at a time when I really needed it?

I would love to get pregnant this month for several reasons. One of which is that I am tired of ttc, emotionally drained and tired. Another is that my RE wants to do surgery in May. I have time for one last cycle before this surgery hits us. I want want want to avoid surgery so bad. Of course I will do the surgery if I have to. Another reason is that I can't imagine another holiday season not pregnant dealing with my cousin, fertile myrtle who just won't shut up about it. Last Christmas almost killed me. I spent the entire season in tears. I don't want to do that again, but I don't want to avoid my family for the whole season either (which I really may do if we are not pregnant by then).

Time will Tell.

For funsies, here are the two separate "readings." I'd love to know what you all in bloggerdom think!

Reading #1
Im seeing a conceive/find out between Dec of 2008 and April 2009. I'm leaning towards later winter/early April, but the spirits are still showing a possibility of the months before that as well till Dec 2008.
I'm seeing a boy with the pregnancy.
1st thing im seeing with your son is that it feels like he loves being caught up in a million things at once. Like everything will always have his attention. He never seems to stay on one specific thing for long and if he does it will have to be something that provides alot of fireworks to him. Say when hes a baby he would have to a have a toy that is alot of colors, noises, sparkles, etc.. for it to keep his attention for a very long time. The more wow factor to things the better. Because of this I see him being one who really loves doing projects like making something out of wood,
fixing the car, etc.. but will never complete this and he will do this ALL of the time. No matter how much he says he is going full force into something it will always be left by the wayside.
2nd thing im seeing with your son is that he will definatly have a BIG intellect. Even from a young age he will carry around alot of information in his head that most 2 year olds wouldnt know. Alot of people will label him geeky and nerdy from how much smarts im seeing with him. He will ALWAYS be on the search for getting new information to fill his brain as I see he feels really alive when he has something to grasp on education wise. Whether its spending all day on the computer finding out about frogs or reading a book to discover how to make a paper airplane.



Reading #2
BOY - JAN
Fireman
When it comes to your son, hes definitely a guys guy. He LOVES to wrestle with his dad, always inventing their own WWE type wrestling. IT can be either thumb wrestling, arm wrestling or straight out wrestling around on the ground, He just likes to rumble with his dad and have a good time. They show him usually having a lighter brown hair color, hes one that is a bit fussy about how it looks and hates to have it long. They show slight spiky around the front and top, but the rest of its cut REALLY short, almost like a buzz cut. For him, whatever is easiest and fastest as hes not one to sit still too long for long periods of time. He likes moving around, he likes
action, he likes to have fun. Usually not the type to want to do things that require you to sit there, he gets easily bored and will often find ways of entertaining himself. From playing wtih his cars, to wrestling with his dad.. he just likes to be occupied. When reading a book wtih him, as long as you make it interesting by making funny voices, or asking him to point to certain characters then he will sit and read the book with you. He loves anything action related, things that will be like army figures or spider man type toys..etc. When it comes to your son, hes always trust worthy. You can really count on him to be there when you need him. Always the first one to step up to the plate when something is going wrong. If hes ever done something to hurt someone, hes the first to either apologize or explain himself. Not one to do something like that intentionally. Hes got a good heart. When it comes to career paths, they show him linked to working as a fireman, eventually going into more of a specialist type field and going with investigation into how something like that got started..etc.

When it comes to marriage i See him closer to 26, they will have two boys of their own.

So this blog has not been about infertility much lately. It's probably because other things in life have taken importance over that, for now at least.

I have about one week to decide on a job. I have so many concerns about opening my own business. Health insurance is a major major concern of mine because fertility treatments are so darn expensive. I had $8000 of tax deductions last year from fertility treatments b/c my old insurance didn't pay for treatment. We FINALLY have an insurance company that will pay, and what happens? I give that job up? I go back to uncertainty and expense? Or I take a job with a settled company and take their good health insurance and move forward with treatment?

Is that short-sighted of me? I can't decide. If you ask me what is more important--career or family? Family will win out every single time. Unfortunately the career is what is going to keep the family afloat. What is the best for the family?

I don't know the answer to that question. It freaks me out to think about starting my own business. If grad school had decent insurance that we could rely on for a little while, then I would feel much much better. I know Warren will have the best benefits in the future because teaching has way better benefits, but the unknown is killing me.

I am not a gambler. I am a planner. I am not a risk-taker, with anything at all. Maybe, deep down, that is why fertility treatments bug me so bad. I can't plan. I don't know when or if we will ever have a child. It sucks.

But....I can plan my career. I can have some control over that. Is it wrong to want that?

I broke the news

Well, I did it. I broke the news to my mentors at work that I probably will be leaving the university. It was, by far, the hardest thing I have done in awhile. Even though I have settled my mind on opening my own practice and "doing my own thing," this was definitely bittersweet.

I thought I would feel more free. I felt very sad. I even choked up a time or two. I explained to them about the infertility process and how it affects my decision. They said that they understand, and of course want me to stay to work with them, but they want me to be happy. I appreciate that.

I think I will be happy in private practice, but I can't help but worry because it is such a huge change from what I thought my future would hold. I have spent the last four years devoted to my mentors at the university and telling everyone (including myself) that I definitely wanted to stay. How can I just give that up so easily?

Honestly, it hasn't been that easy. I think I have been through all of the stages of bereavement---and they suck! I just pray I am making the right decision.....for myself, for my husband, and for our future family.

In other news--beta hcg was negative today. Big surprise there. I have become the amazing infertile lady. I just don't understand how we got pregnant so quickly the first time only to have it take so long this time around! :( It makes me sad.

Fertility Update

That is what this website is supposed to be about, right? I went in for the post-coital test this morning. Guess what? It turns out that W's spermies make it through my cervix, but then they completely stop swimming. Lazy little buggers. I don't know if they just wear out easily or if it has something to do with going through the cervix. Either way, we're doing IUI's from here on out. We've got our first one on Saturday.

I've got only one dominant follicle this month. I am actually okay with that. The thought of ending up like crazy-lady octomom was not making me happy last month. I much much much prefer to just have one baby at a time.

In other good news? The dominant follie I just mentioned.....it's on my LEFT SIDE! Hallelujah to my left ovary for figuring out how to ovulate. If I could, I would go down there and give it a hug and a high-five! This is good news because my left tube was open on the HSG, but my right tube was not completely open. Ovulating on a bad tube x 6 months = no pregnancy. Ovulation on a open tube = Yeah, parties, candies, etc!!!

I'm still out there in the job hunt. I interviewed with a company today, and that job sounds like heaven. It's got benefits, stability, FANTASTIC PAY, a half-day off each week, and it's 5 minutes from my house. I have been thinking about opening my own private practice, but working with this other company sounds so wonderful, especially in this awful economy.

It'll be interesting to see how life plays out. I can't help but think that decisions made now (both with fertility and work) will affect our future from years to come.

Hi, Ho, Hi, Ho. It's off to work I go.

Work has become such a huge concern for me lately. I thought I was going to start a geriatric fellowship in July. It turns out that the fellowship will probably not be accredited in time for me to start. I have so many feelings and emotions about all of this. I wonder why they didn't turn in the accreditation forms earlier? I've been saying that I wanted to do the geriatric fellowship for four years. It certainly is not a surprise to anyone. The lack of accreditation is a big surprise for me.

The university says that they want me to stay. They have promised me a job until the fellowship opens. Can I do this? Can I trust my future, my husband's future, and our family's future to a "maybe?"

I spent my whole life thinking I was going to do the fellowship. I have cried over this. I have been angry and sad. Perhaps the most shocking emotion? Excitement. Relief. Feeling "free." Free of the constraints that an academic career would hold from me. Free from the responsibility of it all. Free to see patients in my own office and only be responsible for my decisions. Free to "start over."

I'm also really scared. Is this a good economy to open my own private practice? What if I am not happy in private practice? What if I am not happy in the university? What if I love private practice?

I can't help but think that this is the reason we miscarried earlier this year. If we had not lost that child, I would be 8 months pregnant right now trying to find a job. I think I probably would have settled for the university because I would have been scared of a future that is unknown coupled with a newborn child.

Hopefully, God will see fit to put me in the right job. I have been praying about it, and I feel like doors have been opening and closing. I am looking for a family-friendly position. I think my family comes first. That means both my husband and our future children.

Interestingly, a lot has happened to us this month in the ttc arena. I had the HSG and have a possible right tube blockage. We have a mycoplasma infection that is probably contributing to the infertility. We still don't know about the post-coital test. In spite of this, I have not thought about ttc much.

I have thought about my wonderful husband and our life together. We are a stronger, better couple now than ever before. Best of all, the sex has been great! It was like ttc had taken all the enjoyment out of it. Not anymore! Maybe there is something to relaxing!