Life is about more than fertility

Right? I think so. And...since it's my blog I am going to use it to complain a little bit. I turned in my notice at my job a few weeks ago. They had offered me a promotion, but I realized that I just wasn't happy there. I decided that I wanted more freedom and that I wanted to be my own boss. I am so happy with my decision. It is validated every day. I want a job where I can work when I want or not work when I don't want. I want a job where I can take every Friday afternoon off to stay home with a child (when that happens for us).

The problem with all of this is that I led my current (and soon to be old) job to believe that I wanted to stay. It's not like I misled them, though, because I really did want to stay there. There were several turns of fate that led to my new decision--and a lot of it had to do with our loss and fertility. Some of it did have to do with my current unhappiness at work.

The place I work is routed in academia. As such, it is one big (un)happy dysfunctional family. I thought I fit in there. I thought it was my home. I realized that it's not.

Anyway, I'm rambling. The problem is that I have seen people leave before. I have watched the way that they criticize and backstab. I have watched, and I haven't liked it. I *knew* that was going to happen to me. I just knew it. It turns out that you aren't really prepared for it, no matter how much you *know* something.

My boss, who just a few weeks ago told me I was the best, most hardest (ha), most smartest worker ever......well, he's clearly changed opinions of me. It turns out that he now thinks I am lazy (along with everyone else apparently) and don't complete my assignments. He has threatened me twice in three days.

I am the current epitome of learned helplessness. They did this experiment with rats where they put them in a cage where they couldn't get away and they shocked them. Initially, the rats tried to run away from the shock. However, after realizing that they couldn't get out, they just sat there and took it. Then, the experimenters removed the cage (so that the rat could get away) and continued to shock the rats. Guess what happened? Yep. Learned helplessness. The rats didn't even try to get away. They just sat there and took it. I feel like that's where I am right now. The only difference? When my cage is removed, I am OUT OF THERE. I am not sitting there to continue to be shocked. Thank God for all of the horrible things that happened this year that have allowed me to re-evaluate my life.

If I could just leave now, I would. I can't though. I have two months to finish. I have worked so hard for this. I hate that this happened. I hate the way he's treating me. I hate that he has power over me, and that I am forced to sit there and take it. I hate all of it. I look so forward to June 30 when I can walk out of those doors forever. I don't know that I will ever look back.