Why does this have to suck so bad?

I hate ttc. I hate every single little thing about it. I hate the doctor's visits. I hate the waiting and praying for my body to do something that every other woman's body does on it's own. I hate how the medications make me feel. I hate that it makes sex routine and ruins something really special. I hate the pressure. I hate the waiting. Most of all I hate the lack of control.

I have planned my whole life. I have had a plan, and I have worked really hard to meet my goals. Really hard. So far, I've met them all. Except this one. This one baffles me.

I have lived a life of delayed gratification. Delayed gratification with my relationship because W and I met when we were 16, but our parents kept us apart like some awful repeat of "Romeo and Juliet." Delayed gratification with school because.....well, it's pretty obvious....med school sucks. Residency is really long, but it doesn't suck as bad. Delayed gratification with financial planning in my life because of choices related to graduate school.

Ironically, I thought ttc would be the one thing where I would not have to have delayed gratification. Turns out that is not true. In a way, this is so much worse than delayed gratification because of the ectopic. That was the awful nail in the coffin. I feel so hopeless and empty ttc since then. I ttc again for what? For the possibility of losing another child? For the possibility of 9 months of anxiety and worry? For the possibility of the 100 million things that can go wrong?

All of these thoughts lead me back to my ultimate question: Where is my happy? Where? Not here. Not now anyway.